Mohammad an Arab child, entered his classroom on the first day of
school in Arkansas.
"What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad" answered the boy.
"You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny"
replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammad returned home. "How was your day Mohammad?"
asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammad, I am in America and now my name is
Johnny."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your
parents, your heritage, your religion???
SHAME ON YOU!" and she beat him. Then she called his father and he
too beat him.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. When the teacher saw him
with all the bruises she asked...
"What happened to you little Johnny"?
"Well ma'am , 4 hours after becoming an American, I was attacked by
Muslims."

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know..

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

NEW STATS FRESH OFF THE PRESS. THIS IS FRIGHTENING. MOST PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYING IN THE LAST 5 YRS 25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness That's bloody scary......... It means 75% are running around with no medication at all...!

My small grandson got lost at the shopping centre.  
He approached a uniformed security guard and said,

"I've lost my granddad!"

The guard asked:  "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Rum and Coke and women with big tits."

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
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The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did.... she's
21 and her name's Lucy.
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Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!"
and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
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The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.
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Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."
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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.
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Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend ... Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.
Or in other words........... B.I.G.T.I.T.S.
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Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot …
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Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."
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On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?" Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakis, Somalians, single mums,Romanians, loafers, smack heads, and non-English speaking people" isn't the right answer. They've sent my form back!
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Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding.
Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.
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The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!
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Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line.
She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back. (ouch!)
 

 Bwahahahahahahaha all gold good one peeps

Sorry bod but your wrong. Someone else had to organise it for him!