Friday Funnys
Submitted by ledge64 on Fri, 2012-06-08 07:20
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Adam Gallash
Posts: 13213
Date Joined: 29/11/05
Why Condoms Come in Boxes of 3, 6 & 12
Why Condoms Come in Boxes of 3, 6 & 12
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks. "What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex".
"Oh I see," replied the boy. "Yes, I've heard of safe sex in health class at School"
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high schoolboys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"
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Adam Gallash
Posts: 13213
Date Joined: 29/11/05
Adult Store
A guy goes into an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll. The guy behind the counter asks "Male or Female?"
First Guy says ''Female.''
Counter guy asks ''Black or White?''
1st guy replies ''White'.'
Counter guy asks "Christian or Muslim?"
The 1st guy says 'What the heck does religion have to do with an inflatable doll?????''
The Counter guy says ''The Muslim one blows itself up!''
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Adam Gallash
Posts: 13213
Date Joined: 29/11/05
Peter
Usual weekly dig, watch through to the end.
http://youtu.be/uEgSbof-qcg
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Adam Gallash
Posts: 13213
Date Joined: 29/11/05
Kittens for sale
A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the footpath in front of her home.
Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.
Suddenly a line of big white cars pulled up beside her.
Out of the lead car stepped a red-headed, grinning lady.
"Hi there little girl, I'm Prime Minister Julia Gillard.
What do you have in the basket?" she asked.
"Kittens," little Suzy said.
"How old are they?" asked Gillard.
Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."
"And what kind of kittens are they?"
"Labor supporters," answered Suzy with a smile.
Gillard was delighted. As soon as she returned to her car, she called her PR chief and told him about the little girl & the kittens.
Recognizing the perfect photo op, the 2 of them agreed that the Prime Minister should return the next day & in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.
So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up,
this time followed by vans from ABC, SBS, Sky News, Channel 7, Channel 9 and Channel 10.
Cameras & audio equipment were quickly set up, then Gillard got out of her limo and walked over to little Suzy.
"Hello, again," she said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."
"Yes ma'am," Suzy said. "They're Liberal/National supporters."
Taken by surprise, the Prime Minister stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were LABOR SUPPORTERS."
Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know.
But today, they have their eyes open."
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Adam Gallash
Posts: 13213
Date Joined: 29/11/05
Carbon
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Adam Gallash
Posts: 13213
Date Joined: 29/11/05
Irish Bordello
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat watching the front door of the brothel across the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at dat!" says the first Irishman. "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.
"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!" says the second Irishman.
They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad," says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died.”
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Dale
Posts: 1412
Date Joined: 13/09/05
5 Minute management course
5 Minute management course
Lesson 1
A priest offered a Nun a lift...
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.....
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity
Lesson 2
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..' Poof! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 3
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...
Lesson 5
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. ..
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.
"Just because you are a Character, Doesn't mean you have character."
Mr Wolf
Wannabe member of the Old Farts Club.
Adam Gallash
Posts: 13213
Date Joined: 29/11/05
Fireman
A FIREMAN came home from work one day
and told his wife,
"You know, we have a wonderful system
at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets ,
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck, ready to go.
"From now on when I say BELL 1
I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2
I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3
We are going to make love all night.
"The next night he came home from work and yelled
"BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"
"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied
"YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."
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Adam Gallash
Posts: 13213
Date Joined: 29/11/05
Working girls
Working girls
Two horny dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls'
and take them to their separate but adjoining hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression
is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend
shouting out cries of 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH!'
Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE... UGH!'
Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE...UGH!' ... ALL NIGHT LONG.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?' The
first mutters, 'It was Embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection.'
The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing?
I couldn't get on the bed.'
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dumper
Posts: 533
Date Joined: 03/04/08
dkonig82
Posts: 1489
Date Joined: 06/07/10
haha all of these are classic
haha all of these are classic
When asked by a non-fisherman 'how many fishing rods do you really need?' the correct answer is either:
n+1 (where n is the number of fishing rods you currently own); or
n-1 (where n is the number of fishing rods which would cause your significant other to dump you.
MattMiller
Posts: 3069
Date Joined: 15/06/09
Solid gold
the Horse brought out the LOL's
DIDYABRINGABEER
flangies
Posts: 2314
Date Joined: 11/05/08
Demon Child runs home from
Demon Child runs home from school and says "Mum I hate my sisters guts!"
Demon mum sighs and pauses for a second "Sorry son I won't put them in your lunch again"
carnarvonite
Posts: 5167
Date Joined: 24/07/07
Surprised
Thought I'd go to the swimming pool this morning, to start the old fitness routine again
ANYWAY!!!!
While I was there I thought I'd have a quick piss in the deep end, well, I'd no sooner started when the lifeguard saw me having my piss and blew his whistle so f#$%^&g loud that I nearly fell in
jigsaw
Posts: 101
Date Joined: 30/07/11
why?
carnarvonite
Posts: 5167
Date Joined: 24/07/07
Ape hangers
Thats why they are called Äpehangers