Friday Funnys


dkonig82's picture

Posts: 1920

Date Joined: 06/07/10

that gut is insane

Fri, 2012-01-06 09:02

that gut is insane

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When asked by a non-fisherman 'how many fishing rods do you really need?' the correct answer is either:

n+1 (where n is the number of fishing rods you currently own); or

n-1 (where n is the number of fishing rods which would cause your significant other to dump you. 

Alanby's picture

Posts: 49

Date Joined: 14/10/11

Australian Poetry at its best

Fri, 2012-01-06 09:07

 

 

 The Country was in a terrible state,

 As the Parliament sat for the Budget Debate.

 It was quite a few minutes before Gillard spoke,

 Then she said, 'Sex will cost you two bucks a poke,

 Whether your short, skinny or thick.

 A tax will be paid on the use of your prick'.

 

 Penny Wong rose and said 'Julia look here,

 Will this tax apply to those who are queer?'

 Greenie Bob Brown looked rather glum,

 'May I be exempt, I only like bum.'

 Julia replied and sounded quite airy

 'You'll pay double you dirty old fairy'

 

Up rose Tony Abbott, to tremendous applause

 Grabbed Julie Bishop and ripped off her drawers

 He straddled across her and screwed her at will

 Then shouted to Gillard, 'Put that on the Bill'!

 

Wayne Swan shouted, 'I think I'll resign,

 I haven't had sex for a very long time.

 I dream every night of a big juicy crutch,

 But two bucks a go ..  that's too bloody much.'

 

The House was in uproar, the fighting went on,

 Till Turnbull banged on the Bar with his dong,

 'With a tax on a poke in the front and the back

 All we can do is have a good whack.'

 I disagree said Joyce with a leer,

 And stuck his big prick into Bob Katter's ear.

 

 The backbenchers came and the Cabinet went

 Rudd took his out and found it was bent.

 'Look here', he cried as it swung in the air,

 'For those who are bent a discount is fair.'

 So all checked their dicks, the Speaker was last,

 And in the excitement, the damn Bill was passed.

 

So now in the beds of Australia at night,

 There's many a fanny that's closed up real tight.

 They're taxing our booze and taxing our smokes

 And now the bastards are taxing our pokes.

 

If two bucks a head is the price we must pay

 It now with ourselves we find we must play

 To quench our frustrations we must have a wank

 And for the state of our Country - we've Gillard to thank!

 

 

 

UncutTriggerInWA's picture

Posts: 2692

Date Joined: 05/09/08

Choice!!!!!

Fri, 2012-01-06 10:06

LOL

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Vince.
Work smart and fish often.
Member and die-hard supporter of the mighty West Coast Eagles.

Posts: 30

Date Joined: 02/08/10

Good Aussie Poem

Fri, 2012-01-06 11:38

 The Cocky & the Ewe


The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,
"They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.
He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away,
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But neither was he ready for what he was soon to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly "Come back here, you lousy bitch!"

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!

Alanby's picture

Posts: 49

Date Joined: 14/10/11

Ha Ha what a ripper, being a

Fri, 2012-01-06 12:38

Ha Ha what a ripper, being a country boy could see this happening

Adam Gallash's picture

Posts: 13665

Date Joined: 29/11/05

Sexy time..

Fri, 2012-01-06 14:54

FIRST TIME SEX

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents .

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time .

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms .. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour . He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex ..

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack .

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all .

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door .

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated .

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head . A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious . '
 


The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist . '

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Site Admin - Just ask if you need assistance

Adam Gallash's picture

Posts: 13665

Date Joined: 29/11/05

Rooster

Fri, 2012-01-06 14:56

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up
and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair,
I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squalking
and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
'Dammit.....
third gay rooster I bought this month.'

____________________________________________________________________________

Site Admin - Just ask if you need assistance

dkonig82's picture

Posts: 1920

Date Joined: 06/07/10

haha classic

Fri, 2012-01-06 15:26

haha classic

____________________________________________________________________________

When asked by a non-fisherman 'how many fishing rods do you really need?' the correct answer is either:

n+1 (where n is the number of fishing rods you currently own); or

n-1 (where n is the number of fishing rods which would cause your significant other to dump you. 

Posts: 177

Date Joined: 02/10/10

An Australian bloke jags a

Fri, 2012-01-06 15:24

An Australian bloke jags a job at Harrods in London.

On his first day he is told by a rather superior Englishman who is head of the floor team to "do his best" but that with "his accent" he was "not expected to perform".

At the end of the day, the Australian was asked how he went, and the Australian told the head of the floor team that he had sold 113,327 quids worth of gear....

The Englishman was stunned and said, well, come on now, how did you manage that?

The Australian said "Well, theres this bloke who come in and wanted this fish hook.  I says to 'im that it was a pretty strong hook he was gettin' and he'd be wantin' some good line to go with that hook."

"Yes, go on", said the Englishman.

"So 'e says 'e was think'n of gettin'  line and 'e was gettin' out 'is wallet to pay for the line and the hook an' I says to 'im that he ought'a get a good rod and reel to use that line with and I took 'im to the rods and reels an' 'e bought up real big there."

Impressed, the Englishman said, "Well, well, I am surprised.  What happened then?"

The Australian went on, "Well, I says to 'im that if he's gonna do this right, 'e should be offshore a ways and he'd be a mad bastard not to get decent boat to fish off.  Well, he doesn't seem fazed, so I took 'im to the boat section and he goes for this neat little cruiser an' the trailer to go with it."

"Good heavens!" said the Englishman.

"So anyway, after he signs up for this boat, I says to 'im that it would look pretty flash being pulled along by one of the new Landcruisers down in motor vehicles, so we went down there an bugger me if I don't persuade 'im to take top of the range with all the fruit", said the Australian.

The Englishman can't believe his ears.  "Are you seriously telling me that a man came in here to buy a fishhook and walked out after having purchased a fish hook, a rod, reel, line, boat and trailer and a landcruiser to pull it??"

The Australian said, "No, not really.  Actually he came in to buy a packet of tampons an I says to 'im, 'well, seeing as your weekend's fucked, you might as well go fishing'."