Friday Funnys
Submitted by ledge64 on Fri, 2014-07-04 07:17
Enjoy 
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Iceman
Posts: 745
Date Joined: 17/03/09
Woman: Is there a problem,
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too
Smartline Personal Mortgage Advisers - Level 1, 11 Hobsons Gate Currambine
0448122208
crasny1
Posts: 6986
Date Joined: 16/10/08
Thats been around
And I still love it.
Women get away with ANYTHING. I thought I failed an important exam, and called my X-wife, then girlfriend. She came racing over speeding. When pulled over burst into tears, telling a sob story. GOT a Police Escort to my house and no charge!!!!!
Didnt fail the exam!!!
"I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact!!" _ Elon Musk
tim-o
Posts: 4657
Date Joined: 24/05/11
(No subject)
I am, as I've said, merely competent. But in an age of incompetence, that makes me extraordinary.
Swompa
Posts: 3783
Date Joined: 14/10/12
that got a deep belly laugh
that got a deep belly laugh and went to a select few in the office.
meglodon
Posts: 5981
Date Joined: 17/06/10
Trust no one
I'm a baby boomer and like a lot of my generation we have become very cynical of a lot of institutions, people and businesses.
First in has been the so called protectors of our virtues the churches (all).
Then the heroes of our childhood the tv stars who made us laugh and look at life as a great thing to enjoy, then operation yew in England exposed the dark side that a lot of these people had and our trust in people who are seen to give young kids a good play time, (yeah right) is destroyed along with the trust of children's entertainers.
I now know why the yanks have "in god we trust" printed on their money, because you can't trust any other person or organisation that touches your money like governments, or the commonwealth bank.
So if you think that a lot of us elderly people look upon society with suspicion there is a very good reason for it.
MattMiller
Posts: 4171
Date Joined: 15/06/09
LOL
one of the better ones i've seen
Brucesta
Posts: 1721
Date Joined: 29/05/09
(No subject)
there have been a few rippers about that dirty old bastard!!!
Las Vegas - Rolling the dice and trying your luck. 1M+ Barra summer target. 100kg Black Marlin winter target
tombstone
Posts: 169
Date Joined: 14/10/10
Charlie is sitting at the
Charlie is sitting at the bar looking quite glum while having a brew. His mate walks in and sees him sitting there:
"hey Charlie what's up?"
Now Charlie has a speech impediment so reply's
"Fuggin terwibble mate, terwibble"
"Why what's up?"
"Well lasht night wight, i wasssh shittin ere, hawing a colwdie, an dish gorgeoshhh bwonde shits next to me."
"Don't see anything wrong with that Charlie"
"Dats not the worsht of it mate, she shits down and shtarts chatting wiv me, shaying she would like to take me home an have her wiccked waysh wif me."
"nothing wrong with that mate"
"Dats not the worsht of it mate, she takesh me home, dragsh me upshtairsh and throwsh me on the bed, she strippsh butt nakeds and showsh me her full glory, she had great t*tsh, super shtunning arshe, and a shavens havens the like i neversh sheen!!"
"Mate for that i will buy you a beer, good looking bloke like yourself getting some action deserves a beer"
"Dats not the worsht of it mate, she rippsh my clothesh off, and goesh down on me...shesh nearly sucked my eyeballsh out of my peckwersh, then begged me to shmash into her."
"Geez Charlie sounds like you were on an absolute winner"
"Dats not the worsht of it mate, here we are going hammersh and tongsh, when her hushbands comesh home."
"oooh sounds bad mate"
"Dats not the worsht of it mate, i jump out the window, butt naked hanging by the sillsh. her hushbands come upstairsh, seesh his misshuss all horny and wet on the beds ready for it, so he dives in."
"crap mate not good, sounds like it went a bit pearshaped"
"Dats not the worsht of it mate, hesh shmashings into her, blowsh hish load, then comesh to the windowsh and shtarts pissingsh out the windowsh, now hesh pisshings all on my face, and i'm hanging there, butt naked and fresshing my nutsh off, with thish guysh pissh on my head."
"oh dude sounds f*cked"
"dats not the worsht of it mate, after he finished hish pissh, he divesh back into hish mishess who was begging for more. so now they going at it harder than before, and me i am hanging there with pissh on my head, naked, freeshing my nutsh off and a raging bonersh cause i'm hearing her screaming and moaning wishing it wash me again"
"dude say no more i don't think i want to hear any more."
"Dats not the wosht of it mate, after he finished doing her the second time, cause he been down the pub beforehand, now he feeling sick, he comesh to the window and shtarts chucking up all over my head. Now i got his chundersh, his pish on my head, freezing my nuts of, naked and with a raging boner."
"that's it mate i've heard enough, i understand why you look so down"
"Dats not the worsht of it mate"
"Dats not the worsht of it mate, afters all dat, i look down and i wash 6 inchesh off the ground"
to fish or not to fish...as if there was an option.
Dale
Posts: 7930
Date Joined: 13/09/05
Ha
Hahaha classic tombstone.
Cheers
Dale
"Just because you are a Character, Doesn't mean you have Character."
Mr Wolf
bushbeaver
Posts: 159
Date Joined: 08/07/13
BRITISH
BRITISH HUMOUR
On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe, a U.S. Marine walked the
entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only
seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French
woman's poodle.
The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed, and said to no one in particular, "Americans
are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire length of the train again, and discovered that
the only seat available was in fact the one currently being occupied by the
poodle.
Trudging tiredly back, the marine arrived once more before the French woman
and said, "Please Ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired?"
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant. Why
should I care if you are tired?"!
This time, the Marine didn't say a word, but simply picked up the little
dog, tossed it out of the train window, then sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone, defend my honour! This American needs to be put
in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to
have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold your fork in the wrong
hand, and you drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir,
you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
DUNGA
Posts: 86
Date Joined: 03/06/14
HAHA
All classic and gold
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.