another "funnies" thread
Submitted by boofhead on Fri, 2008-09-19 23:11
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice
in reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's
when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.
Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired
as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and
begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect
was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye
and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he
sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and
took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare,
I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good?'
'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm
sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'
Irish Coffee
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice
in reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's
when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.
Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired
as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and
begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect
was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye
and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he
sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and
took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare,
I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good?'
'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm
sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'
Faulkner Family
Posts: 18052
Date Joined: 11/03/08
whats the difference between
whats the difference between kinky and erotic
erotic is using a feather
kinky is using the whole chook
RUSS & SANDY
"A family that fishes together stays together"
RUSS and SANDY. A family that fishes together stays together
boogernissan
Posts: 22
Date Joined: 02/07/08
UPS Air Cargo Just in case
Just in case you need a laugh:
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet',' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form,and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
boogernissan
Posts: 22
Date Joined: 02/07/08
Pierre, a brave French
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Mary, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Mary leans over to Pierre and says, 'Pierre, kiss me!'
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Mary's lips.
'What are you doing, Pierre ?' says the startled Mary.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!'
She smiles and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up a little and Mary says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.'
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.
'Pierre! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Mary.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!'
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude: and things really steam up.
Mary leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me much lower!'
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap.
He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Mary shrieks and dives into the River Seine.
Standing waist deep, Mary throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, 'PIERRE , WHAT IN THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?'
Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly,
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!
harro
Posts: 1959
Date Joined: 07/02/08
paddy declares war..
The French President is
sitting in his office when his telephone
rings.
'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a
heavily accented voice said. 'Dis is Paddy down at de Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. Oi'm ringing to inform ye
dat we are officially declaring war on ye! We voted to reject de Lisbon
treaty!'
'Well,
Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your
army?'
'Roight
now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'dere's meself, me Cousin Sean,
me next door neighbour Seamus, and all of de darts team from de pub. Dat makes
eleven!'
Sarkozy
paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to
move on my command.'
'Begoora!'
says Paddy. 'Io'll have to ring ye
back.'
Sure
enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, de war is still on. We've
managed to get us some of dat infantry
equipment!'
'And what
equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy
asks.
'Well, we
have two comboines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm
tractor.'
Sarkozy
sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000
armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we
last spoke.'
'De Saints
preserve us!' says Paddy. 'Io'll have to get back to
ye.'
Sure
enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, de war is still on! We've
managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modifoied Jackie McLaughlin's
ultra-light wid a couple o' shotguns in de cockpit, and four boys from te
Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Sarkozy
was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy,
that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded
by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have
increased my army to 200,000!'
'Jesus,
Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'Io'll have to ring ye
back.'
Sure
enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' de mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! Oi'm
sorry to inform ye dat we have had to call off the
war.'
'Really? I
am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of
heart?'
'Well,'
says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few points of Guinness and packets of
crisps, and we decided dere is no fookin' way we can feed dose 200,000
prisoners .'
:::: Bass Hunter ::::