Chuck Norris Jokes!

I stumbled across a heap of Chuck norris Jokes I thought i'd share a few and see if anyone has any new ones!

Chuck Norris won a lawsuit against NBC for copywrite infringements. Apparently Law and Order are the names for his left and right leg

Chuck Norris clogs the toilet when he takes a pi$$.

Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat."

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Before the boogey man goes to bed he checks his closet for Chuck Norris

when Chuck Norris gets drunk he does not throw up he throws down!

Guns don't kill people - Chuck Norriss does!

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

so come on - some a you guys must have a few Chuck Norriss jokes!


Posts: 485

Date Joined: 04/02/06

Testing signature coding

Sun, 2006-07-30 14:55

Hi Adam,

Just testing out my signatiure coding - to see if my signature code modification worked - so how do I delete this post mate?


"Piscator, non solum piscator" which freely translated means something like "A fisherman, not just a catcher of fish"

Andy Mac's picture

Posts: 4779

Date Joined: 03/02/06

Chuck facts

Sun, 2006-07-30 21:50

A few double ups but I can't be bothered editing. Here is my list a mate gave me ages ago. Haven't laughed that much in ages, a couple of gems in amongst them, but I fear we have all probably heard or read them all before: Here goes: -

Chuck Norris doesn't get invited to participate in orgies, orgies get invited to participate with Chuck Norris.

The Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONCE.

Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever the f*ck he wants.

Chuck Norris was talking in full sentences, walking and running, and fully potty-trained at the incredibly young age of six months. He learned all of these feats approximately six months after mastering 'the roundhouse kick.'

In 1954, the Japanese government decided to pay tribute to Chuck Norris and made a biographical film about his life. They titled it "Godzilla".

Due to political correctness, U.S. currency will now read "In Chuck Norris We Trust."

At a press conference, a reporter asked Chuck Norris if he spoke any foreign languages. Chuck then roundhouse kicked the reporter in the face, killing him instantly. He then turned to the audience and said "I speak two languages, English and Roundhouse-Kick-to-the-Face."

Ares, the Greek God of war and Athena, the Greek Goddess of war produced a son together. They called him "Chuck Norris the Greek God of Roundhouse Kick".

Chuck Norris was sick only once. They called that era "The Cold War."

The average man can use a razor 7-10 times to shave his face. Chuck Norris uses 7-10 razors to shave around his beard.

Chuck Norris once slept with an under aged 15 year old girl. He was three at the time.

In the event of an emergency, Chuck Norris can inflate his lungs and his chest can be used as a flotation device.

Chuck Norris doesn't go to the bar to pick up women. He goes to the bar to pick out women.

Chuck Norris is not racist. He hates all races, ethnicities, and nationalities the same. Except for the French. He hates them more.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky".

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

As a teen Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

The sun doesn't actually rise or set. Chuck Norris simply claps twice.

Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon. You do the math.

Chuck Norris cloned himself just to see if he could kick his own ass. The result was the second ice age.

While playing the role of a Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot outs. When the director explained that he can't do that, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: The Light Side, The Dark Side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norrisi.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for a +500 gain to roundhouse ability.

Chuck Norris is the only male to give birth. His only child; Vin Diesel.

Chuck Norris can ejaculate through solid steel.

The letters in Chuck Norris' name can be rearranged to spell "Doom" in twelve different languages, including Esperanto, but not French.

Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.

Chuck Norris is the only person ever capable of telling if an aircraft landed in soil by tasting it.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Ever.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

If Chuck Norris had a dollar and you had a dollar, Chuck would kick your ass and take your dollar.

We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Chuck Norris volunteers at retirement homes just so he can push old people in wheelchairs onto the freeway.

Helen Keller's favorite color was Chuck Norris.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name was "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not see dead people; he makes people dead.

When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'".

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later they discovered is the cause of Parkinson's disease.

Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f@ck down!

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f*ck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was "more humane".

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided into two.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes. Ever.

Chuck isn't hung like a horse, horses are hung like Chuck Norris


Andy Mac



Andy Mac (Fishwrecked Reeltime Editor & Forum Moderator)

Youngest member of the Fishwrecked Old Farts Club