I see someone has female tattoo models on Facebook haha

why are spinach and anal sex the same,cause both if forced on you as a kid you wont enjoy as an adult

"YA KNOW, WHEN I WAS 25 AND GOT A HARD-ON, I COULDN'T BEND IT WITH BOTH HANDS.

BY THE TIME I WAS 50, I COULD BEND IT ABOUT 10 DEGREES IF I TRIED REAL HARD.

BY THE TIME I WAS 60, I COULD BEND IT 20 DEGREES, NO PROBLEM.

I'M GONNA BE 70 NEXT WEEK, AND I CAN BEND IT
IN HALF WITH JUST ONE HAND."

"SO, WHAT'S YOUR POINT?"

"WELL, I'M JUST WONDERING

HOW MUCH STRONGER AM I GONNA GET?  

A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart.

Elizabeth, a "beautiful" real golfer, who lived in a villa on the
golf course, heard the noise and yelled over to him.

"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?"

"Willis," he replied.

"Willis forget your troubles.  Come to my villa,
rest up, and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered,
"but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty and persuasive.

 "Well okay," Willis finally agreed,
and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a hearty drink AND sexy driving and putting lessons, Willis thanked his host.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."

"Don't be foolish!” Elizabeth said with a smile , she won’t know anything.  By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!"

Last night I was talking to a young good looking woman.

She asked me if I liked breasts or legs?

I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.

Apparently I'm not welcome at KFC anymore!

Never talk bad about a woman's cooking, you’ll be SHOCKED!

Husband: Your cooking is so pathetic despite you watching so many cooking shows!
Wife : U watch porn!!! No improvement!!! Did I ever complain? 

 An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy.

The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter.

The American says, "Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?"

The english guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle".

"Wow", says the American, "Can I have a go?"

"Sure", Says the Englishman.

The american rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, "You have one wish" Says the genie.

The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.

About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them.

The American says "I don't believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks".

The englishman says "Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC?"

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

A professer from the Washington State University was doing a test on children, so he brought in a bunch of first graders then he gave each of them a lifesaver all the kids got the same colour at the same time.

Red=Cherry
Green=Lime
Orange=Orange
Yellow=Lemon

Then he gave them all a honey flavored one after a while all the children couldn't figure it out so the professer gives them a hint "This is something your mommy might call your daddie"

Then one little girl looked at the professer and the other children in horror then she yells "Spit them out there assholes"

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."

Well , Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So , he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, " Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal , shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and say's , "Shhh. They're getting closer...."

A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?" 

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush." 

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped. 

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

I took the wife to a disco at the weekend.

There was a guy on the dance floor giving it everything he had ;

Break dancing, moon walking, backflips, the works...

My wife turned to me and said,

"See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down!"



I said: "Looks like he's still fucking celebrating!"

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said- "that part where hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair"

The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister-"my monkey has grown hair"

Her sister smiled and said-"that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas".

Mom fainted...