Friday Funnys
Submitted by ledge64 on Fri, 2013-01-11 07:21
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outdoinit
Posts: 1009
Date Joined: 05/10/12
Wife Leaving
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Perth. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 an hour for doing what I do for you for free."
A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he is going, he replies,
"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year."
I've spent half my life fishing.. The other half I have wasted..
outdoinit
Posts: 1009
Date Joined: 05/10/12
Laughs
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
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The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Kathy .
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Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
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The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
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A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead".
The operator says, "How do you know?"
The man says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
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My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
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The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
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A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in- law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in- law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress." she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot
I've spent half my life fishing.. The other half I have wasted..
outdoinit
Posts: 1009
Date Joined: 05/10/12
EMPLOYEE NOTICE
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been identified as a train coming!
I've spent half my life fishing.. The other half I have wasted..
pharlap
Posts: 69
Date Joined: 02/01/12
The Difference Between Kinky & Perverted
Kinky is when you tickle your Mrs all over with a feather.....Perverted is when you use the whole CHOOK.
I come home one day after work and said to the Mrs that I wanted to do something kinky tonight........after dinner she said to me "I thought you said you wanted to do something kinky" I said "I did, I SH!T in your purse"
Iceman
Posts: 747
Date Joined: 17/03/09
life time
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her
husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
Smartline Personal Mortgage Advisers - Level 1, 11 Hobsons Gate Currambine
0448122208
dumper
Posts: 1027
Date Joined: 03/04/08
(No subject)
jigsaw
Posts: 154
Date Joined: 30/07/11
trust fall fail
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPOgvzVOQig
Doooma
Posts: 791
Date Joined: 05/12/09
Hilarious!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MN6XLHqdir8
dodgy
Posts: 4577
Date Joined: 01/02/10
Electrician vs Plumber
Electrician vs plumber
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mViO9mnCTBo
Does anyone know where the love of god goes, when the waves turn the minutes to hours?
sea-kem
Posts: 14972
Date Joined: 30/11/09
Investment Opportunity
Investment Opportunity
Thought you might want to consider getting on board early....
A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.
He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing well.
He says prophets are going through the roof
Love the West!
Doooma
Posts: 791
Date Joined: 05/12/09
Tim Matheson and Tony Abbott
Tim Matheson and Tony Abbott somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Tim in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Tim was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, Julia will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Abbott and said, "How about you" Mr. Abbott?"
Abbott replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".
snappermiles
Posts: 2100
Date Joined: 05/11/10
haha doooma
thats gold!!!
ALL FISHERMEN ARE LIARS EXCEPT YOU AND ME! AND IM NOT SO SURE ABOUT YOU!