“Hi!

I’m Jane” she said.

"I'm Christopher," he replied "but everyone calls me Dick for short"

"How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked.

"You just have to ask me nicely" he replied.

 A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George’s two friends, Joe and Al.

Joe: “He’s burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over.” Joe looked at the dead man’s buttocks and said, “Nope, that ain’t George.”

Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al.

Al: “Wow, he’s burnt to a crisp. Roll him over.” Again, “Nope, that ain’t George.”

Mortician: “How can you tell?”

Al: “George had two assholes.”

Mortician: “What? How could he have two assholes?”

Al: “Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you’d hear people say, “Here comes George with those two assholes!”

 In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers,  He's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."

At that point, the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off."

 Good work fellas I got a good laugh out of those.

Two nuns arae walking in the park, when a pervert jumps out and flashes them. The first nun faints, but the second has a stroke.

What's the difference between a good nun and a bad nun?  A good nun says "Amen", a bad nun says "Ah, men!".

A young boy scout helps an elderly nun across the road.  The old nun thanks him profusely.  "Aw, that's all right". he says: "Any friend of Batman is a

friend of mine".

The Pope flies to Washington on an official visit, swiftly clears customs and is led outside to where his limousine is waiting. 

As the red haired Irish Americal chaufeur opens the back door, the pope says:  "You know, I love driving, but since assuming the Papacy, they never let me drive any more.  Would you mind if I drove the limo to the hotel?"  So the driver, being a good Catholic, hand over the keys and gets in the back- as the Pope slides in behind the wheel. 

The Pope is a good driver, but as soon as they hit the freeway, he floors the gas pedal and they go hurtling down the road like a Formula 1 racer......   Of course, it's not long before a cop pulls them over, and commands the driver to lower the window.  The cop takes one look at the driver, goes pale, jogs back to his police cruiser and radios the commanding officer. 

"Sir", he says, "I need some advice, I just caught a BIG fish for speeding"

The CO asks "Well who is it?  Is it one of the local councillors?" "No" the cop replies, it's a much bigger one than that".

"So is it one of the local Senators?", the CO asks.  "No , much bigger than that", the cop replies.

"Well who the heck is it then?", the CO asks impatiently.

"Well, you see, sir" the cop replies, "I believe its God"

"GOD?" the CO explodes, "How can it be God?"

"I dunno sir", the cop replies, "But he's got the Pope for a chaufeur!"