Friday Funnys


crasny1's picture

Posts: 6851

Date Joined: 16/10/08

 Hospital

Fri, 2020-07-10 07:25

 Hospital

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"I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact!!" _ Elon Musk

Posts: 365

Date Joined: 03/01/12

Got it

Fri, 2020-07-10 08:41

 

Got it

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 Skull

Alan James's picture

Posts: 2038

Date Joined: 30/06/09

...

Fri, 2020-07-10 09:03

It snowed last night ...

8:00 am: I made a snow man.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man / women / person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up.

8:40 - The police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - The TV news crew from SBS showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snow men and snow women? I replied "Snow balls". Apparently I am now a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobic sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I had any accomplices. I said no however my children have been taken by social services as a precaution and I have no idea where my wife is.

9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding the snow figures be destroyed and for me to be arrested.

 

By noon it all melted.

 

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.

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Posts: 365

Date Joined: 03/01/12

Sadly

Fri, 2020-07-10 09:13

 

Sadly so true Alan,

Now having said that I am guiltyof all of the above,

Glad I am closer to checking out than checking in, 

We have allowed ourselves to create our own demise.

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 Skull

still trying's picture

Posts: 468

Date Joined: 27/06/17

 Imagine what things are

Fri, 2020-07-10 10:14

 Imagine what things are going to be like when our children are our age. 

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 rather be fishing

Posts: 365

Date Joined: 03/01/12

Scary

Fri, 2020-07-10 11:33

 

Scary thought really,

But in the future these will be the good old days, certainly nothing like what I remember as the good old days.

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 Skull

dmck's picture

Posts: 141

Date Joined: 07/03/19

 There will not be a problem

Fri, 2020-07-10 12:02

 

There will not be a problem in future, we have nothing to worry about.

 

 

Global warming will mean snowmen are folklore.

Come to think of it... so will we be!

Posts: 5858

Date Joined: 17/06/10

Yep all of the above are so right

Fri, 2020-07-10 16:50

It's just about time to turn mothers picture to the wall.
You can beam me up scotty when ever you like this place is out of control and lost all vestiges of common sense

Faulkner Family's picture

Posts: 15978

Date Joined: 11/03/08

 Common sense . Hmmmm. What

Fri, 2020-07-10 17:38

 Common sense . Hmmmm. What the hell is that. 

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RUSS and SANDY. A family that fishes together stays together

Faulkner Family's picture

Posts: 15978

Date Joined: 11/03/08

 Well done again to them. Got

Fri, 2020-07-10 17:39

 Well done again to them. 

Got the sausage one . And the snowman well

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RUSS and SANDY. A family that fishes together stays together

Curndog's picture

Posts: 310

Date Joined: 21/11/16

 Well this isn't very

Sat, 2020-07-11 14:09

 Well this isn't very funny.... but true the world is fucked

Stax's picture

Posts: 250

Date Joined: 05/02/10

How to give your cat a pill.

Tue, 2020-07-14 12:55

 Grab your cat and place it around your arm as if you were holding a baby. Place your right index finger and thumb on both sides of the cat's mouth and gently apply some pressure while holding the pill in the other hand. As soon as your cat opens the mouth, throw the pill in and give the cat the opportunity to swallow.

 
Find the pill off the floor and remove the cat from behind the couch. Place the cat in the curve of your arm again and repeat the process.
 
Remove the cat from the bedroom and throw away the dirty damp pill.
 
Take a new pill from the box, grab the cat in your arm again while holding both front legs tightly. Push the jaws up and push the pill in with the right index finger. Keep the cat's mouth closed for at least 10 seconds.
 
Remove the pill from the goldfish bowl and the cat from the top of the cupboard. Call your spouse out of the garden.
 
Kneel on the floor and force your cat between your knees and take a firm hold of its paws. Ignore the low growling. Have your partner hold the cup firmly and open the mouth two with a wooden ruler. Throw the pill in through the ruler and rub the cat's throat firmly to stimulate swallowing.
 
Remove your cat from the curtain rail and take a new pill from the box. Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair the curtains. Wipe the broken statuettes and vases to the side for later cleaning up or possibly gluing.
 
Turn your cat in a large towel and let your partner lie on the cat, so that the cat's head is just visible from under his armpit. Suck the pill with a straw and force the mouth open. Blow the pill through the straw in the cat's throat.
 
Check the package leaflet to be sure that these pills are harmless to people and have a beer to wash away the taste. Disinfect your partner's arm and put a bandage around it. Remove the blood stains from the floor covering.
 
Get your cat off the roof of the neighbor's shed. Grab a new pill and have another beer. Place your cat in the kitchen cupboard in such a way that the cat's head just sticks out. Force the mouth open and shoot the pill down your pet's throat with a rubber band.
 
Remove a screwdriver from the garage and put the kitchen cabinet door back in its hinges. Find the Whiskey bottle. Take a big breath and put a cold whiskey compress on your cheeks to disinfect. Check if your tetanos injection is still valid. Discard your frayed sweater and put on a new one.
 
Call the fire department to get the cat out of the tree. Make apologies to the neighbor who, while avoiding your cat, drove through his own fence. Take the last pill from the box.
 
Tape the two front legs of the animal together and tie it securely to the leg of the dining table. Take your heavy work gloves and put them on. Push the pill in and press a piece of meat behind it and don't be too careful. Then grab a glass of water. Hold the cat's head vertically and pour the water in to force him to swallow.
 
Take the last bit of Whiskey, ask your partner to drive you to the emergency room and let your fingers and forearm stick there and remove the remnants of the pill from your right eye.
 
Call the furniture store en route to order a new dining table.
 
Call the animal shelter for advice and ask at the pet store if they also have hamsters.
Faulkner Family's picture

Posts: 15978

Date Joined: 11/03/08

 Well done. Classic.

Tue, 2020-07-14 16:11

 Well done. Classic. Certainly painted the perfect picture with that one

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RUSS and SANDY. A family that fishes together stays together

Posts: 5858

Date Joined: 17/06/10

That's why I have dogs as pets

Thu, 2020-07-23 17:48

Having had to get a cat out of a cray pot I had stored in the back yard some years back and been torn to shreds in the process I had thought of taking the cray pot out and deploying for a few days in deep water. Wife convinced me it can be a lonely life camped in a tent in the back yard.
Apologies to cat lovers