tuesday funny
Cletus & Billy Bob
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap
in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front
of an old green John Deere.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides
off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then
hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his
overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his
stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from
his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya
doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an
obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.
"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom
d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to
a tractor."
(Don't make me come splain this to you! Read the last line again.... slowly.)
Adam Gallash
Posts: 15644
Date Joined: 29/11/05
Christmas
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of the season" Saint Peter said, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven on this holy day.
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. It represents a holy candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells"
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
What do these symbolize? Saint Peter asked.
The man replied, "They're Carols"
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Adam Gallash
Posts: 15644
Date Joined: 29/11/05
Cyanide
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my licence! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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Adam Gallash
Posts: 15644
Date Joined: 29/11/05
GOLD
A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.
This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied,
Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear:
"No, I Norwegian."
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Andy_b
Posts: 633
Date Joined: 19/10/11
lol
I was having a pint with my mate in the pub last night when he said, "Look at those two old c@%^s over there having a beer. That'll be us in ten years."I said, "That's a mirror you stupid bastard."
Andy_b
Posts: 633
Date Joined: 19/10/11
:)
My wife had a dreaded phone call to say that her mother had died earlier."At least all that suffering has stopped now," I told my wife.
"What are you talking about?" She cried, "it was a car accident!"
"I know," I replied. "I was talking about my suffering."
Lamby
Posts: 3145
Date Joined: 04/08/09
How do you turn a fruit into
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable??
Send Molly up a ladder
mullows
Posts: 738
Date Joined: 25/12/08
Whats the difference between
Whats the difference between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is giving yourself the once over with a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken :-D
Cheers
Mullows
The Older I get the better I was :-)