What not to say to your wife
Submitted by mikeurnot on Tue, 2012-10-23 21:48
My wife asked me the other day. How many women have I slept with?
I said. I have only slept with one and that is you dear.
All the others kept me awake .
Wes F
Posts: 1060
Date Joined: 07/01/12
I Always get the last word
Yes Dear.
I wear the pants around my house.
She tells me which ones.
Old fishermen never die they just smell that way.
quadfisher
Posts: 1146
Date Joined: 28/09/10
arh marriage
Heard this one the other day
I believe in the great institution of marrage says herb to bill
yes says bill, but who wants to spend all their life in a institution!
quadfisher
catchalittle
Posts: 1875
Date Joined: 04/09/08
Saying to your wife that you
Saying to your wife that you wear her underwear for the comfort factor
Nathan
crasny1
Posts: 6986
Date Joined: 16/10/08
Typical macho man married
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'
His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'
PS: Posted previous but thought this a thread to repeat that
"I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact!!" _ Elon Musk
catchalittle
Posts: 1875
Date Joined: 04/09/08
THATS A GOOD ONE
Nathan
hlokk
Posts: 4290
Date Joined: 04/04/08
A husband at dinner with his
A husband at dinner with his wife on his 30 year anniversary. She asks him "Do you remember what you said to me when we first got married"
The husband replies "Yes. I said I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry".
"Well..." she said with a sweet smile.
The husband pauses and sighs "Looks like I succeeded..."
The three rings of marriage: The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.
I'm always getting into fights with my wife, and apparently they're all my fault. When she asked last night whats on the tv, apparently "Dust" was the wrong answer.
A man wakes up with a pounding headache. He sits up in bed and notices a full cooked breakfast and two panadol and waiting for him and a note. He glances to the clock and it reads 1pm on Sunday. This is weird, he thinks, his wife is always at him early on Sunday's to clean around the house or whatever else he has to do. He reads the note as he eats the lavish breakfast "Good day honey. Take your time, no rush to get up. When you’re ready, your golf clubs are set up downstairs, but don’t be back too late as I’m cooking you your favourite dinner, and then after I’ll show you the new lingerie I bought. Love, your wife”.
Still surprised, the man finishes his breakfast and walks down stairs and asks his daughter whats going on. “Oh. Apparently you came home last night blind drunk and when mum tried to get you changed out of your clothes for bed you yelled “Fuck of bitch! I’m married!””
tim-o
Posts: 4657
Date Joined: 24/05/11
Haha, I was at the pub the
Haha, I was at the pub the other day enjoyin a few and over heard two blokes talkin. One says, "What do you preferin the morning, a good root or a good shit?" the other replyed "I prefer a good shit" the first bloke quizzed and asked why and the second bloke said " Coz after doing a good shit, you dont have to hug it for half an hour"
I am, as I've said, merely competent. But in an age of incompetence, that makes me extraordinary.
Lamby
Posts: 3145
Date Joined: 04/08/09
Two guys in a health club,
Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers.
"Since when do you wear womens pants?"
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"
bod
Posts: 2318
Date Joined: 03/05/06
Ha!
damon4949
Posts: 57
Date Joined: 02/05/12
http://www.youtube.com/watch?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fj4vLZJhNEk
Very relevant to the topic and a worth a good laugh ;)
Andy Mac
Posts: 4779
Date Joined: 03/02/06
Things you should never tell her
"Hey honey, we just got a pre-approved increase on our credit card"
Cheers
Andy Mac (Fishwrecked Reeltime Editor & Forum Moderator)
Youngest member of the Fishwrecked Old Farts Club
joe amato
Posts: 731
Date Joined: 21/12/08
wheres my dinner
when you get home from work dont say; wheres my dinner; lol
tim-o
Posts: 4657
Date Joined: 24/05/11
Well you would say that if
Well you would say that if there is no dinner, but really there should be no need to say that, but you can say "whats for dinner tonight woman". Incase anyone thinks Im jokin, Im not hah, same as takin the empty beer out of the stubbie holder and placing it next to it, shouldnt have to wait too long.....
I am, as I've said, merely competent. But in an age of incompetence, that makes me extraordinary.
rocket73
Posts: 37
Date Joined: 07/09/11
Ric
Posts: 83
Date Joined: 21/11/10
Got up this morning with
Got up this morning with worst hang over ever, to this terrible stink in the kitchen, when I went out the wife had the big pot boiling away, so I ask "what u doing" and she replied "u came home pissed last nite, jumped in bed and said to me cook my sock ! "
Cortez474
Posts: 109
Date Joined: 24/01/12
Why is a woman like a deck
Why is a woman like a deck of cards?
You need a heart to love it...... A diamond to marry it.....a club to bash it over the head with.....and a spade to dig the hole to bury the bitch in!!
sea-kem
Posts: 14891
Date Joined: 30/11/09
I'm going down the road to
I'm going down the road to buy some tackle.
Love the West!
johnno67
Posts: 407
Date Joined: 12/03/10
When I got married
When I got married I thought I was god cause when I touched it it healed. Didn't go down very well
carnarvonite
Posts: 8632
Date Joined: 24/07/07
Married
Got out of bed this morning to find breakfast cooked and ready in the oven, boat loaded with rods, bait , beer and ice all ready to go and no missus, so I asked one of the kids whats up? He said that she's gone shopping for stuff for my favourite meal and when I came home pissed from the pub last night and went straight to bed that I was talking in my sleep and dreaming about having it off with another lady and I yelled out "F#$K OFF IM MARRIED!!
slugger
Posts: 156
Date Joined: 17/02/11
true story
i married a nymphomaniac
unfortunately she lost the nymph component
Wes F
Posts: 1060
Date Joined: 07/01/12
What's the only food that put's the missuss off sex
Wedding Cake
Old fishermen never die they just smell that way.
mikeurnot
Posts: 91
Date Joined: 05/05/11
how far will this go
Hey to all that have posted. I love them but missus wont be seeing any of them.
May tell her the card one see how long I live
Keep them rolling in !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Faulkner Family
Posts: 17900
Date Joined: 11/03/08
when you go out clothes
when you go out clothes shopping with your wife. she tries on some clothes and asks DOES MY BUM LOOK BIG IN THIS, you never say yes
RUSS and SANDY. A family that fishes together stays together
hlokk
Posts: 4290
Date Joined: 04/04/08
Q: "Does this dress make my
Q: "Does this dress make my bum look big?"
Wrong answer: "Yes"
Really wrong answer: "Honey, I don't think it's the dress that's doing it"
Ebbie
Posts: 5
Date Joined: 14/08/11
On the plus side....
Question: does my bum look big in this?
Wrong answer: Yes.
Better Answer: look at the positive side.... There is nothing wrong with your eyes!
Lamby
Posts: 3145
Date Joined: 04/08/09
To help deal with the wife's
To help deal with the wife's mood swings I bought one of those mood rings from the market. When she is happy it glows green & when she is pissed off it leaves a dent on my forehead which glows red!
tim-o
Posts: 4657
Date Joined: 24/05/11
Why were shoppin trolleys
Why were shoppin trolleys invented....
So women can learn to walk on their hind legs
I am, as I've said, merely competent. But in an age of incompetence, that makes me extraordinary.
sea-kem
Posts: 14891
Date Joined: 30/11/09
Why does the bride always
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.
Love the West!
hlokk
Posts: 4290
Date Joined: 04/04/08
A husband comes home to his
A husband comes home to his wife packing her bags and asks her whats going on
"I've had enough! I'm leaving you and moving to Vegas. I hear women there get $500 a blowjob!"
Without a word, the man starts packing his bags.
"And what do you think you're doing?!" replies the wife.
"I'm gonna go with you. I wanna see how you live off $1000 a year"
beau
Posts: 4104
Date Joined: 24/01/10
Haha this was our daily joke
Haha this was our daily joke from the supervisor in the prestart this morning!
chopdog
Posts: 68
Date Joined: 07/01/10
Want to play the rape game?
Want to play the rape game? No? Thats the spirit...
tim-o
Posts: 4657
Date Joined: 24/05/11
Haha stats say that 9 out of
Haha stats say that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape....
I am, as I've said, merely competent. But in an age of incompetence, that makes me extraordinary.
Cameron71
Posts: 165
Date Joined: 02/10/10
Some actual dialogue from a married friend
Him: are you thinking of going back to the gym soon?
Her: EXCUSE ME???!!!
Him: Weights or cardio?
He has the heart of a lion.
tim-o
Posts: 4657
Date Joined: 24/05/11
Not bragging, but Im the
Not bragging, but Im the same. I aint guna let my missus get fat, iv always been on her case, I tell her its tough being a single mum lol. I say to her, if shes guna get comfortable, she'l end up with an arse like her wog aunties lol. I will put a sheet of mdf at the front door with a cutout of an acceptable body shape, I you cant fit thru it, you cant come in. Getting preggo is no excuse either, I hate chics that get preggo and sit around stuffin their face. Harder to loose weight than to not put it on in the first place. So many blokes aint got the balls to tell the truth, if I think her arse looks big, I tell her, shes thankful and happy the she looks good and fits into her clothes, and so am I. Little bit at a time fellas, so they become aware that you notice, theyl soon reject offers of cake etc and start walkin to the shops yeeharr!
I am, as I've said, merely competent. But in an age of incompetence, that makes me extraordinary.
Rob H
Posts: 5751
Date Joined: 18/01/12
thats gonna end badly when
thats gonna end badly when your beergut and double chin overtakes her ass and saggy tits
Give a man a mask, and he'll show you his true face...
The older you get the more you realize that no one has a f++king clue what they're doing.
Everyone's just winging it.
tim-o
Posts: 4657
Date Joined: 24/05/11
Dont worry, she keeps me in
Dont worry, she keeps me in check too, I tell her fishin is bloody good exercise. My mates dunno how I got married
I am, as I've said, merely competent. But in an age of incompetence, that makes me extraordinary.
tim-o
Posts: 4657
Date Joined: 24/05/11
Ya mum's so fat
Ya mum's so fat jokes......
Ya mum's so fat she gota tan from the fridge light
I am, as I've said, merely competent. But in an age of incompetence, that makes me extraordinary.
WSHN4FSHN
Posts: 224
Date Joined: 19/09/12
Tim-o
Wow tim-o, you're a real catch!! lol
Burley it and they will come.
WSHN4FSHN
Posts: 224
Date Joined: 19/09/12
David Thorne
Well worth the read it's good for a laugh!!
http://www.27bslash6.com/halogen.html
Burley it and they will come.
sea-kem
Posts: 14891
Date Joined: 30/11/09
Have seen that before and
Have seen that before and it's a pearler.
Love the West!
bod
Posts: 2318
Date Joined: 03/05/06
baahahaa
well worth the read.
sea-kem
Posts: 14891
Date Joined: 30/11/09
(No subject)
Love the West!
tim-o
Posts: 4657
Date Joined: 24/05/11
Hehe
Hehe
I am, as I've said, merely competent. But in an age of incompetence, that makes me extraordinary.
Ric
Posts: 83
Date Joined: 21/11/10
Today I gave my missus a
Today I gave my missus a taste of her own medicine, I took her to 10 different pubs only to return to the 1st one to buy the 1st beer I tried