COFFEE AND TESTICLES

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10 a.m., and plan on starting at 10 a.m. every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., why don't you want me here until 10 a.m.?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

This demonstrates the incredible power and wonderment of the English language. Truly a unique and fascinating form of communication.

A. Did you know that the word "race car" spelled backward still spells "race car"?

B. Did you know that "eat" is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?

C. And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells out: "Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking arseholes and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, goat-shagging, raggedy-ass bastards who want to destroy our way of life with you."

How weird is that?

 A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home.

1st kid says "A computer".

Teacher replies "That'd be very useful."

2nd kid says "a new lawn mower" and gets a similar response.

Little Johnny pops up and says " At my house we don't need nuthin."

The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.

Little Johnny replies, "Nope I'm sure! When my sister started dating a Muslim,

I remember Dad saying,"Well, that's the last f.....g thing we need.

I read those jokes last week on www.racistjokes.com, they're classic

Love  this  Doctor!  

Q:  Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can  prolong life.  Is this true?
A: Heart  only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste  on exercise.  Everything wear out eventually.   Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like  saying you extend life of car by driving faster.   Want to live longer?  Take nap.

Q: Should  I reduce my alcohol  intake?    
A:  Oh  no.  Wine made from fruit.  Brandy distilled  wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you  get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made  of grain.  Bottom up!

Q: How can I  calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if  you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to  one.  If you have two body, your ratio two to  one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of  participating in a regular exercise  program?
A: Can't think of single one,  sorry.  My philosophy: No  pain...good!  
   
Q:   Aren't fried foods bad for  you?    
A:  YOU NOT  LISTENING!  Food fried in vegetable oil.  How  getting more vegetable be  bad?

Q  :  Will  sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft  around the middle?
A:  Oh no!   When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.  You  should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger  stomach.  

Q:  Is chocolate bad  for me?  
A:  You crazy?!?   HEL-LO-O!!  Cocoa bean!  Another  vegetable!  It best feel-good food  around!

Q:  Is swimming good for your  figure?
A:  If swimming good for  figure, explain whale to me.

Q:  Is  getting in shape important for my  lifestyle?  
A:  Hey!   'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared  up any misconceptions you may have had about food and  diets.

And  remember:  
Life  should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention  of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved  body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one  hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a  ride!!"    

AND.....

For   those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final  word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to  know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies.    

1. The Japanese  eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Australians.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and  suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians.

3. The  Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer  heart attacks than Australians.

4. The Italians  drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks  than Australians...  

5. The Germans  drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats  and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Australians.

CONCLUSION:  Eat  and drink what you  like.   Speaking English is  apparently what kills you

 A bloke was taken to hospital with half a dozen little plastic horses stuck up his backside. His condition was said to be stable

Cheers

Dale