Friday Funnys


Posts: 243

Date Joined: 21/07/14

 Blonde Locked Herself Out Of

Fri, 2017-03-10 08:00

 Blonde Locked Herself Out Of Her Car...
 
 
Two blondes were driving down the road. The driver noticed that she was low
on gas, so she stopped at the gas station. While she was pumping her gas,
she noticed that she had locked the keys in the car.
 
When she went inside to pay, the blonde asked the attendant for a coat
hanger so she could attempt to open the door herself.
 
 
She went outside and began to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the
attendant went outside to see how the blonde was faring. The blonde outside
of the car was moving the hanger around and around.
 
*Meanwhile, the blonde inside of the car was saying: "A little more to the
left. A little more to the right ... "*

Posts: 243

Date Joined: 21/07/14

 I accidentally swallowed

Fri, 2017-03-10 08:01

 I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles......

My next crap could spell disaster !

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them.
It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night,
or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough, once she’d killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought, “bugger it, I'll soldier on!”

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn’t know what to do......
Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.
I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
rigpig's picture

Posts: 460

Date Joined: 21/11/12

hahaha

Sun, 2017-03-12 02:26

the scrabble tiles.... I'm currently in Louisiana on a drilling vessel and just told that to the seppos.. blinking eyes and no expression, pissed myself even more.. straight over their square heads..

t bone's picture

Posts: 336

Date Joined: 20/04/14

ha ha ha

Sun, 2017-03-12 07:15

Same results as when i just told the local lads out on the rig out here in Gulf of Thailand.......

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GDOFC Committee Member.

rigpig's picture

Posts: 460

Date Joined: 21/11/12

I know

Sun, 2017-03-12 08:35

I think us Aussies just have a completely different outlook and humour.

Madmerv's picture

Posts: 621

Date Joined: 24/01/15

Weimaraner

Sat, 2017-03-11 04:58

 Mine gives me that face every time i come home and find half my garden bed on the patio.. Lol

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 Sometimes when the water is quiet, you can hear the fish laughing at you !

Dale's picture

Posts: 5915

Date Joined: 13/09/05

Thu, 2017-03-16 07:21

My missus just said what are your plans for Easter? I said the same as Jesus!
Disappear Friday then turn up on Monday.

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"Just because you are a Character, Doesn't mean you have Character."

Mr Wolf