Friday Funnys


Posts: 84

Date Joined: 14/10/12

 took the wife to see about

Fri, 2017-05-19 07:47

 took the wife to see about getting her tourrets sorted, they said there is nothing wrong with her apparently I realy am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off

sea-kem's picture

Posts: 9593

Date Joined: 30/11/09

 Lolz

Fri, 2017-05-19 07:49

 Lolz

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Love the West!

tot's picture

Posts: 818

Date Joined: 31/01/10

lol

Fri, 2017-05-19 11:53

nice one , must be a common thing.. 

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Reverse cycle a/c supply and install

Adam Gallash's picture

Posts: 14743

Date Joined: 29/11/05

Dave

Fri, 2017-05-19 07:54

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.

At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"Pope Francis," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

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Adam Gallash's picture

Posts: 14743

Date Joined: 29/11/05

Dad

Fri, 2017-05-19 07:57

The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."

The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

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Iceman's picture

Posts: 684

Date Joined: 17/03/09

Girlfriend

Fri, 2017-05-19 08:37

 I got chatting with a girl in a bar last night, 

"Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.

"Don't you have a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.

""No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a Cider please.

A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.

While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"


I said, "My wife found out."

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Smartline Personal Mortgage Advisers - Level 1, 11 Hobsons Gate Currambine 

0448122208

Posts: 229

Date Joined: 21/07/14

 SENIOR RESETTING PASSWORD

Fri, 2017-05-19 09:13

 SENIOR RESETTING PASSWORD

 WINDOWS:  Please enter your new password.

 USER:              cabbage

 WINDOWS:  Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

 USER:             boiled cabbage

 WINDOWS:  Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

 USER:                1 boiled cabbage

 WINDOWS:       Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

 USER:             50damnboiledcabbages

 WINDOWS:   Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character

 USER:          50DAMNboiledcabbages

 WINDOWS:   Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

 USER:          50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

 WINDOWS:   Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

 USER:          ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

 WINDOWS:    Sorry, that password is already in use.

Posts: 229

Date Joined: 21/07/14

 A glimpse of what is going

Fri, 2017-05-19 09:18

 A glimpse of what is going on as you sit in an aircraft confident that you are in good hands.

    Delta  351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6  miles!"

  Delta 351: "Give  us another hint! We have digital watches!"

  A  Cessna inbound at the reporting point over ManlyBeach.

  Tower (Female voice): "Cessna WYXD, congestion at airport approach. I$BCN(B
going to have to hold you over the Manly area."
  Cessna WYXD: "I love it when you talk dirty to me."

  Tower: "TWA  2341, for noise abatement turn right 45  Degrees."
  TWA  2341: "Center,  we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make
up  here?"
  Tower:"Sir,  have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it  hits a
727?"

  From  an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff  queue: "I'm
f...ing bored!"
  Ground  Traffic Control:"Last  aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"
  Unknown  aircraft: "I  said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing  stupid!"

   O'Hare  Approach Control to a 747: "United  329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock,  three miles,  Eastbound."
  United  329:"Approach,  I've always wanted to say this...I've got the
little Fokker in sight."

  A  student became lost during a solo cross-country  flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on  radar, ATC asked, "What  was your last
known  position?"
  Student: "When  I was number one for takeoff."

  A  DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an  exceedingly long roll
out after touching down.
  San  Jose Tower Noted: "American  751, make a hard right turn at the end
of the  runway, if you are able.. If you are not able, take  the Guadalupe
exit off Highway 101, make a right at  the lights and return to the
airport."

  A  Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in   Munich ,
overheard the following:

  Lufthansa (in  German): "Ground,  what is our start clearance  time?"
  Ground  (in English):"If  you want an answer you must speak in
English."
  Lufthansa  (in English):"I  am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany .  Why must I speak  English?"
    Unknown  voice from another plane (in a beautiful British
accent):"Because  you lost the bloody  war!"

  Tower: "Eastern  702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
frequency 124..7"
  Eastern  702: "Tower,  Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the
way,after  we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the  far end of
the  runway."
  Tower:  "Continental  635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
contact  Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that  report from
Eastern  702?"
  Continental  635: "Continental  635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."

  One  day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the  tower to hold
short of the active runway while a  DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled
out, turned  around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some  quick-witted
comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the  radio and said, "What  a cute little
plane. Did you make it all by  yourself?"
  The  Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by,  came back with
a real zinger: "I  made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like  yours
and I'll have enough parts for another  one."

  The  German air controllers at FrankfurtAirport are  renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only  expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but  how to get there without any assistance from them.  So it was
with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747)  listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt  ground control and a British Airways 747, call
sign  Speedbird 206.
    Speedbird  206: "   Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active
runway."
  Ground: "Speedbird  206. Taxi to gate Alpha  One-Seven."
  The  BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a  stop.

  Ground:"Speedbird,  do you not know where you are  going?"
  Speedbird  206: "Stand  by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location
now."
  Ground  (with quite arrogant  impatience):"Speedbird  206, have you not
been to Frankfurt  before?"
  Speedbird  206 (coolly): "Yes,  twice in 1944, but it was dark --  and
I didn't  land."

  While  taxiing at London 's Airport,  the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft.  Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose  with
a United 727..
  An  irate female ground controller lashed out at the US  Air crew,
screaming: "US  Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you  to turn
right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right  on Delta! Stop right there. I
know it's difficult  for you to tell the difference between C and D, but
get it right!"
  Continuing  her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now  shouting
hysterically:"God!  Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever  to
sort this out! You stay right there and don't  move till I tell you to! You
can expect progressive  taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want
you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you,  and how I tell you!
You got that, US Air  2771?"

  "Yes, ma'am,"  the  humbled crew responded.

  Naturally,  the ground control communications frequency fell  terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air  2771.. Nobody wanted to chance
engaging the irate  ground controller in her current state of mind.  Tension
in every cockpit out around Gatwick was  definitely running high. Just then
an unknown pilot  broke the silence and keyed his microphone,  asking:

  "Wasn't  I married to you  once?"

 

 

 

carnarvonite's picture

Posts: 7482

Date Joined: 24/07/07

Meet the Pope

Fri, 2017-05-19 13:28

A very rich American wanted to desperately meet the Pope and visited the Vatican every day for a fortnight and each day the Pope came out, greeted the crowd and walked along the fence talking to strangers. He also stopped by a beggar wearing bright orange and green rags and had a few words before moving on, the yank noticed this and finally decided to contact the beggar and purchase his clothes.

When he met the beggar he offered him $500 for his rags, "not enough" said the beggar, "double it and its a deal".

So the yank paid up and dressed himself in the rags and waited patiently in the same spot where the beggar stood at the fence the next day

Sure enough down came the Pope, meeting and greeting the people as he worked his way along the fence. When he reached the yank dressed as the beggar he leaned over and whispered, "if I have told you once then I have told you one thousand times, NOW FUCK OFF"

sea-kem's picture

Posts: 9593

Date Joined: 30/11/09

 Husband sitting on lounge

Fri, 2017-05-19 14:22

 Husband sitting on lounge hears wife from kitchen "what would you like tonight dear, lamb, beef or chicken" Husband " I'll have the beef love" Wife " shut up arsehole I was talking to the cat!"

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Love the West!

Adam Gallash's picture

Posts: 14743

Date Joined: 29/11/05

11 minutes

Fri, 2017-05-19 14:54

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.
The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, officer?”
The cop says: “What are you doing?”
The young man says: “Well Officer, I’m reading a magazine.”
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”
The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”
Now, the cop is totally confused.. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s lane… and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: “What’s your age, young man?”
The young man says “I’m 22, sir.”
The cop asks: “And her…what’s her age?”
The young man looks at his watch and replies:
“She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”

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Bout time's picture

Posts: 47

Date Joined: 05/07/12

parking tickets

Sat, 2017-05-20 17:46

I went to the supermarket today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Dick headed cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.