Friday Funnys
Submitted by ledge64 on Fri, 2017-05-19 07:31
Enjoy 
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derek
Posts: 94
Date Joined: 14/10/12
took the wife to see about
took the wife to see about getting her tourrets sorted, they said there is nothing wrong with her apparently I realy am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off
sea-kem
Posts: 15002
Date Joined: 30/11/09
Lolz
Lolz
Love the West!
tot
Posts: 1161
Date Joined: 31/01/10
lol
nice one , must be a common thing..
Reverse cycle a/c supply and install - Ducted and wall splits
Adam Gallash
Posts: 15647
Date Joined: 29/11/05
Dave
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
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Adam Gallash
Posts: 15647
Date Joined: 29/11/05
Dad
The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"
So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."
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Iceman
Posts: 747
Date Joined: 17/03/09
Girlfriend
I got chatting with a girl in a bar last night,
"Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.
"Don't you have a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.
""No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a Cider please.
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.
While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
I said, "My wife found out."
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groverwa
Posts: 286
Date Joined: 21/07/14
SENIOR RESETTING PASSWORD
SENIOR RESETTING PASSWORD
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50damnboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character
USER: 50DAMNboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER: 50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER: ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
groverwa
Posts: 286
Date Joined: 21/07/14
A glimpse of what is going
A glimpse of what is going on as you sit in an aircraft confident that you are in good hands.
Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
A Cessna inbound at the reporting point over ManlyBeach.
Tower (Female voice): "Cessna WYXD, congestion at airport approach. I$BCN(B
going to have to hold you over the Manly area."
Cessna WYXD: "I love it when you talk dirty to me."
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make
up here?"
Tower:"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a
727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control:"Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329:"Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the
little Fokker in sight."
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last
known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end
of the runway, if you are able.. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe
exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the
airport."
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich ,
overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English):"If you want an answer you must speak in
English."
Lufthansa (in English):"I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British
accent):"Because you lost the bloody war!"
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
frequency 124..7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the
way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from
Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled
out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted
comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little
plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with
a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours
and I'll have enough parts for another one."
The German air controllers at FrankfurtAirport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was
with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call
sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active
runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground:"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location
now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):"Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and
I didn't land."
While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with
a United 727..
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn
right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I
know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but
get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically:"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to
sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You
can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want
you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!
You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.. Nobody wanted to chance
engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension
in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then
an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
carnarvonite
Posts: 8672
Date Joined: 24/07/07
Meet the Pope
A very rich American wanted to desperately meet the Pope and visited the Vatican every day for a fortnight and each day the Pope came out, greeted the crowd and walked along the fence talking to strangers. He also stopped by a beggar wearing bright orange and green rags and had a few words before moving on, the yank noticed this and finally decided to contact the beggar and purchase his clothes.
When he met the beggar he offered him $500 for his rags, "not enough" said the beggar, "double it and its a deal".
So the yank paid up and dressed himself in the rags and waited patiently in the same spot where the beggar stood at the fence the next day
Sure enough down came the Pope, meeting and greeting the people as he worked his way along the fence. When he reached the yank dressed as the beggar he leaned over and whispered, "if I have told you once then I have told you one thousand times, NOW FUCK OFF"
sea-kem
Posts: 15002
Date Joined: 30/11/09
Husband sitting on lounge
Husband sitting on lounge hears wife from kitchen "what would you like tonight dear, lamb, beef or chicken" Husband " I'll have the beef love" Wife " shut up arsehole I was talking to the cat!"
Love the West!
Adam Gallash
Posts: 15647
Date Joined: 29/11/05
11 minutes
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.
The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, officer?”
The cop says: “What are you doing?”
The young man says: “Well Officer, I’m reading a magazine.”
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”
The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”
Now, the cop is totally confused.. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s lane… and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: “What’s your age, young man?”
The young man says “I’m 22, sir.”
The cop asks: “And her…what’s her age?”
The young man looks at his watch and replies:
“She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”
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Bout time
Posts: 47
Date Joined: 05/07/12
parking tickets
I went to the supermarket today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Dick headed cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.