Hi Crew, I spent a lot of time on the river this summer chasing bream and learnt a lot of new things I would like to share.

Now I’m not going to bore you with bream techniques but thought I would share all the info I scored off the mulloway fishers that swarmed the river over the last few months. I was lucky enough to get some firsthand knowledge on how to be successful in the hunt for these awesome fish. I will try to explain step by step some of the things required to join this exclusive group of anglers.

·         Preparation

1.       First thing you need to do before heading down to the river is make sure your Centrelink payment has gone into the bank.

2.       Give your Meth dealer a call and arrange a pickup. You’re going to need enough crack to last at least two days. While you are there, grab one of those cheap Stella reels, the dealer has a box full of them under his bed.

3.       On the way home stop and grab some supplies, 3 boxes of Emu Export , 5 packets of Winnie blue and one pack of beef jerky should be ample. Now would be a good time to swing by and pick up your fishing mates, Johno, Robbo and Donk before you get too pissed.

4.       Make sure your mates have brought enough drugs and piss for themselves, lucky everyone gets paid on the same day. Cheers Centrelink.

5.       Ok, the car is packed but you are too wasted to drive, you draw straws to see who get to wake ya missus up. It’s not going to be fun, she hates having to get up before 3pm. After a big shit fight that the whole neighbourhood hears , you , your mates, the missus, 3 kids and all the fishing gear etc. are loaded and on the way to the river.

·         Fishing Spots

1.       Picking the right spot to fish is very important. It needs to be close to a park that normal families frequent. You know, a place where kids play and people walk dogs, nice and peaceful.

2.       Make sure lots of kayakers and rowers use that part of the river. Even better if they have a club within a few hundred metres of your fishing spot.

3.       When you arrive be sure to start another fight with the missus while the other guys set up a spot right in the middle of everyone. Make sure you argue very loudly and make it aggressive, this will ensure average honest people will avoid you like the plague.

4.       Now you will need to give the missus some rock to get rid of her. Tell her to keep her phone nearby in case you need any more supplies, slap the kids in the back of their heads goodbye and you are all set for a good fishing session.

·         Bait

1.       You don’t need to take any bait, that’s what the 3 throw nets are for. People might tell you it’s illegal to use nets in the river, but this is your prime opportunity to start aggressively abusing people.

2.       Recommended sentences are ( F#ck of you dog c&nt ill do whatever I want) ( Get the f#ck out of here before I smash your face in ) etc. etc. etc.

·         Getting baits out there.

1.       Getting your bait in the right zone is very important, you need to cast as far as you can. If you can get out past the middle that’s great, but if you get 2/3 of the way across the river that’s even better.

2.       Aim for any boats, yakers or swimmers they are worth extra points.

3.       Now sit back, neck some piss, smoke some pipes and watch the lines (all 9 of them). It won’t take long to get a run.

·         The first run.

1.       By now it’s getting late in the arvo, the kayakers and rowers are getting into the water. Families are enjoying the park and river when one of the lines gets hit and the drag on the reel is screaming.

2.       Now run over to the rod, look up at the kayak that is caught on your line and yank as hard as you can. If you are good enough the hooks should set right into the poor guy’s leg. If not you will get plenty of chances to do it right over the next hour or two.

3.       So the hooks didn’t set but the kayak is tangled up pretty good. As the guy paddles toward you (to untangle the line ) start abusing him.

4.       Recommended sentences are ( You stupid f#cking idiot, think you own the river ) ( c$nt, could you paddle any closer to the shore) ( I’m going to kick your head in if you don’t get my line back) etc. etc. etc.

5.       This should continue to happen for the next couple hours until it’s too dark for most water craft. But don’t worry, at first light in the morning, it will all begin again just like Groundhog Day.

·         Day 2.5

1.       After 2.5 days of this, someone finally catches a Mulloway. The supplies have run out and it’s time to pack up.

2.       Make sure you leave all the rubbish there, the fairies will clean it up.

3.       Missus finally arrives to pick you all up, another fight starts up and you have to slap her cause she is looping out from all the meth. The kids are ok, she left them at the dealer’s house, and you have to go by there anyway.

4.       Five minutes after you leave, Fisheries rock up. They claim after 87 complaints they should drop in for a look. You are not there, so they harass a small child who put a bream in his bucket to watch it swim.

5.       When you get to the dealer’s house the only thing you have to barter with is the Mulloway. So you swap it for a few rocks and the kids.

6.       Make sure you get a picture of the Mulloway before the exchange. Then you can post it on a Facebook page so other crack heads can call you a f#ckhead for killing such a beautiful fish. This should keep you entertained for a few days threatening each other before the next trip down the river.

·         You are now a member

Now you can call yourself a member of the exclusive Swan river Mulloway club.

I sincerely hope this helps a few people out, it took me a while to understand what it takes to join this club, and even tho I fish the river a lot. I just don’t think I have what it takes to be a club member.

Stay tuned for next week’s instalment. Ammo Jetty Etiquette. In this episode I delve into what it takes to be a professional jetty rat. The fights, the rules of rubbish distribution, how to flank of the end of the jetty, and needles fish slaughter will all be covered in the article.

Tight lines everyone.