Friday Funnys
Submitted by ledge64 on Fri, 2012-06-29 07:25
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r.gates
Posts: 573
Date Joined: 15/11/10
How to tell the sex of a fly!
The wife walks into the kitchen and finds her husband standing around with a fly swatter in his hand.
'What are you doing', she asks.
'Hunting flies', he replies.
'Oh, killed any yet', she asks.
'Sure have, 3 males and 2 females', he declares.
Intrigued, she asks 'How can you tell them apart'.
'3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone'!!!!
If life is boring, you must be doing it wrong!
crasny1
Posts: 7003
Date Joined: 16/10/08
I failed a Health and
I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.
One of the questions was:
"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"
"F****ng big ones" was apparently the wrong answer!
"I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact!!" _ Elon Musk
crasny1
Posts: 7003
Date Joined: 16/10/08
'Sometimes when I reflect
'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
About the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
Of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their
Dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.' ~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
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'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. ' ~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
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'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.' ~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
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'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.' ~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!' ~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
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'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.' ~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
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'Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.' ~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
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To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
After reading all of the above, I have a new personal rule, 'I WILL NO LONGER WORK DURING DRINKING HOURS.
"I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact!!" _ Elon Musk
katsy85
Posts: 209
Date Joined: 13/02/12
What does a condom and a
What does a condom and a woman have in common?
If their not on your Wang their in your wallet.
dodgy
Posts: 4580
Date Joined: 01/02/10
Spending a hell of a lot more
Spending a hell of a lot more time in your wallet I can tell you!
Does anyone know where the love of god goes, when the waves turn the minutes to hours?
carnarvonite
Posts: 8673
Date Joined: 24/07/07
Lifes like that
Life is like a penis--- simple ----relaxed and hanging free
It's women who make it hard!!!
sammy85
Posts: 831
Date Joined: 31/08/10
How do you turn a fox into
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it
Plumber and gas fitter- 0415489103
carnarvonite
Posts: 8673
Date Joined: 24/07/07
5th pic
Wouldn't you love to be quick with a padlock on one of those ear piercings---then run like hell so he cannot get the key off you.
katsy85
Posts: 209
Date Joined: 13/02/12
Haha nah he would prob just
Haha nah he would prob just think he has set a new trend
Paully
Posts: 3246
Date Joined: 15/08/09
Never thought
I'd want to be a mouse
dumper
Posts: 1027
Date Joined: 03/04/08
grayzeee
Posts: 2283
Date Joined: 09/07/09
Some Emo Phillips I got in a
Some Emo Phillips
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee- the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.
If I spent half as long fishing , as I do reading this bloody forum , I'd be twice the fisherman I am.
Jody
Posts: 1578
Date Joined: 19/04/07
Gonorrhea Lectim - New Deadly Disease.
One should be thinking about this seriously. The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease.
The disease is called "Gonorrhea Lectim". It's pronounced “Gonna re-elect em" and it is a terrible and deadly ailment.
The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behaviour involving putting your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted it in 2007. But now most people, after having been infected for the past few years, are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is.
It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called Votemout. Most people in Queensland took the first dose a couple of months ago but the second dose is due late next year.
TWiZTED
hlokk
Posts: 4292
Date Joined: 04/04/08
Unfortunately after taking
Unfortunately after taking votemout, you unfortunately contract sameshititis. Its technically a different disease, but it has practically the same symptoms.
What do you call a dog with no ears?
Don't matter. He ain't coming.
Dale
Posts: 7930
Date Joined: 13/09/05
<----- like this??
<----- like this??
"Just because you are a Character, Doesn't mean you have Character."
Mr Wolf
Paully
Posts: 3246
Date Joined: 15/08/09
What do you call a dear with no eyes?
No idea...
fisherking
Posts: 730
Date Joined: 29/05/08
Along the same lines, what do
Along the same lines,
what do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
Paully
Posts: 3246
Date Joined: 15/08/09
Like a dear with no eyes and no legs
Still no idea !!
cudbfishn
Posts: 1311
Date Joined: 06/04/09
What do you call a dear with
What do you call a dear with no eyes, legs, and no dick?
Still no f&$@ing idea
Lamby
Posts: 3145
Date Joined: 04/08/09
Shagged my best mate's wife
Shagged my best mate's wife last night but now I feel absolutely terrible..... I think she had the flu or something!
SABRE
Posts: 404
Date Joined: 17/05/12
A guy rings his boss to say
A guy rings his boss to say he can't come to work cause hes sick. Boss says how sick are you,he replies "well i am in bed with my mum and sister"
If fishing is a sport I,m an elite athlete
Paully
Posts: 3246
Date Joined: 15/08/09
What does a cyclone and a marriage have in common
Both start of as a BJ and end up costing you your house
carnarvonite
Posts: 8673
Date Joined: 24/07/07
Lady
What do you call a lady with one short leg?
Eileen
What do you call a lady with one short leg and no money?
Pauline
What do you call a lady who's legs are the same length?
Nolene
Paully
Posts: 3246
Date Joined: 15/08/09
What do you call a
bloke with a number plate on his head ? - Reg
a bloke with a shovel in his head ? - Doug
a girl with sausages on her back ? - Barbie
sea-kem
Posts: 15031
Date Joined: 30/11/09
As far as I'm concerned with
As far as I'm concerned with that first pic she can go and f%^k herself. ;)
Love the West!
sea-kem
Posts: 15031
Date Joined: 30/11/09
What happened to the deaf
What happened to the deaf woman who fell off a cliff? She screamed her hands off.
Why didn't anyone hear her? She was wearing gloves.
Love the West!
carnarvonite
Posts: 8673
Date Joined: 24/07/07
Cheese grater
Did you hear about the blind bloke who was given a cheese grater for xmas?
It was the most violent book he'd ever read.
pelagicyachts
Posts: 1322
Date Joined: 23/02/11
Cheng rings his boss in the
Cheng rings his boss in the morning
"boss i feel sick -i no come to work today"
His boss says -"Cheng i really need you at the office today, you know when i am not feeling well i just say to my wife -give me sex now and after having sex i feel much better"
Cheng thinks about this and says "ok boss i try it"
an hour later Cheng rings his boss
"boss i tried your idea -worked great -i feel much better i be in to office in 30 minutes.....by the way you have nice house!"
sea-kem
Posts: 15031
Date Joined: 30/11/09
My cat's harder than your
Love the West!
RayBen
Posts: 44
Date Joined: 28/05/12
Hear about the Sheila that
Hear about the Sheila that went fishing with five blokes? She came back with a red snapper
Why did the banana go to the hospital? It wasn't peeling well
What does a nosey chilli do? Gets jalepeno business
And finally
Did you hear about to Italian chef that died? He pasta way
Let em go, let em GROW!
Smasha
Posts: 168
Date Joined: 28/12/11
What's the worst thing about
What's the worst thing about trying to eat vegetables?
Getting the wheelchair to fit in the microwave.
Your entitled to your opinion, it's just that yours is stupid.
scottland
Posts: 3039
Date Joined: 10/05/10
lol
one joke u feel terrible about laughing at
i support two teams eagles and whoever is playing the dockers
scottland
Posts: 3039
Date Joined: 10/05/10
a little late but..
how do you turn a fruit into a vegetable??
send molly up a ladder
i support two teams eagles and whoever is playing the dockers