Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner

cooking on the fire.

"Shit Ron, how long you been here?  How did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, "Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie.

She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!! She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So . . . . here I am !

LITTLE JOHNNY JOKES
 
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you  shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
 She calls on little Johnny. He replies,
"None, they all fly away
 with the first gun shot".
 The teacher replies, "
The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking".
 Then,
little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU - there are three women
 sitting on a bench having ice-cream:
 One is delicately licking the
 sides of  the ice-cream.
The second is gobbling down from the top and sucking the
 cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice-cream.
 Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the
 one that's gobbled
 down the top and sucked the cone".
 To which little Johnny replied, "
The correct answer is the one with the
 wedding ring on, but I like your thinking"

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in Math.
 
"Why?" asks the father
 "The teacher asked, "How much is 2x3?" and I said 6"

 "But that's right"?!
 "Yes, but then she asked me, "How much is 3x2?"
 
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father
 "That's what I said!"
 

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at Government House. One is from Cabramatta, another is from Marrickville, and the third is from Lane Cove. All three go with an official to examine the fence.

The Cabramatta contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900, $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Marrickville contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Lane Cove contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the government official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Lane Cove contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Marrickville to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official. And that, my fellow tax payers, is how a Government Stimulus plan works.

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher:No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!

A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?

A very angry Johnny: Because,... I've already got a phuckkin' cat!!!

A mother is invited by her son, Anthony, for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.'' About a week later, Tina came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure. " So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read: Dear son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Mama.

 Two weeks after bypass surgery, the patient asks his doctor "Can I start having sex?"

The doctor replies "Yes, but only with your wife, your heart is not yet ready for any excitement!!!"

Sheila stepped delicately out of the shower and slipped on the wet bathroom floor. Instead of falling over, her legs skidded apart causing her to do the splits and suction herself to the ceramic floor tiles.
Stuck like a limpet to a ship's hull, she cried out for her husband.
"Bruce, Bruce," she yelled.
Bruce gulped down his tinny and came running in.
"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned meself to the floor," she said .
"Strewth Sheila," said Bruce as he tried to pull her up. "That's some suction, you're stuck fast girl. I'll nip across the road and get Cobba" (his mate). Bruce and Cobba come running back and they both try to pull Sheila free. "No way Bruce mate, we can't do it. We can't break the vacuum," said Cobba, "Lets go to Plan B."
"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's Plan B"? "I go back home and get me hammer and chisel. Then we break the tiles under her and release the vacuum." Replied Cobba. "Spot on, mate" said Bruce. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits." "Play with her tits?" said Cobba, "Not exactly a good time for that, mate." "No" Bruce replied,............. "But I reckon if I can get her aroused enough, we can slide her through into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive..........."

Eddie McGuire flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play Aussie Rules, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Collingwood.
He's signed to a one year contract and the kid joined the team for the pre-season.
Two weeks later the magpies are down six goals to Carlton, with 10 minutes to play.
The coach gives the Iraqi the nod and he goes on.
The kid is a sensation - kicks seven goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the Magpies.
The fans are thrilled, the coaches and players delighted, and the media are in love with the new star.
When the players come off, he phones his Mum.

"Hello mum, guess what"? he says. "I played 10 minutes, kicked 7 goals and we won". Everyone loves me.
Wonderful says his mum. "Let me tell you about my day".

"Your father was shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten, and your brother joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having a great game."

The young fellow is upset,"What can I say mum , I am sorry."

"Sorry? You're sorry? says his mum. "It's your bloody fault we moved to Collingwood in the first place!"

How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take
this discussion to a light bulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to
buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique and what brands are faulty

5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs

15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and their own light bulbs

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all
headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot
handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about
light bulbs"

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that Julia or Tony aren't
the brightest bulb.

4 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

1 moderator to lock the light bulb thread.

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
start it all over again.

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.

"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked ...

“How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"



The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied ...

“Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"Can't," breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

 

 Haha, there's some gold at the end there