John Clarke & Bryan Dawes.
[Scene: A car yard. BRYAN is perusing the stock. He is approached by JOHN]

John: Morning! Looking for a new car?

Bryan: Nope. New Prime Minister, actually.

John: You're the third one this morning. Anything in mind?

Bryan: You know...... nothing fancy, reliable, economical family model. Something to get the country from A to B.

John: You mean like a Howard?

Bryan: Yeah...a little Johnny. Nothing flash, does the job. Low maintenance, economical, sensible. Runs for years, no troubles.

John: So.... you used to have one?

Bryan: Yeah. About 10 years. Great little model - don't know why I got rid of him -- biggest mistake I've ever made.

John: What happened?

Bryan: Traded him in for a Kevin 07.

John: Big mistake.

Bryan: Lot of people bought it. Good political mileage.

John: How was the Kevin 07?

Bryan: Came with a $900 factory rebate - that was good.

John: Anything else?

Bryan: Not much. Sounded nice but nothing under the bonnet. It was a lemon.

John: Didn't stick around for long did it?

Bryan: Nah - had a factory recall. Shipped overseas and was never seen again.

John: What was the problem?

Bryan: Lots. But the final straw was the navigation system. Plug it in and it automatically loses its own way.

John: Whatcha got now?

Bryan: It's a Gillard-Brown.

John: The hybrid?

Bryan: Yeah. The Eco-drive system - not a good idea. An engine that can't deliver hooked up to a transmission stuck in permanent reverse.

John: Green paintwork with a red interior. And steering that always lurches to the left for no apparent reason - that's the one?

Bryan: The Fustercluck model.

John: The only one they made, Bryan . Not the vehicle of choice for the road to recovery - but did they finish up fixing the navigation system?

Bryan: Made it worse. Turn it on and it does a press release, heads off in all directions and goes nowhere.

John: So that's why you're here?

Bryan: That's right. I'm stuck with a car that's wasteful, expensive, ineffective and past its use by date. I don't suppose you've heard of the "Cash for Clunkers" scheme?

John: Join the queue brother.

 What do collingwood suporters use for protection when having sex?

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more,

for old times’ sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.



He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance,

he asks, 'How am I doing?'



The prostitute replies, 'Well Norman, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'







She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.'

theres some good ones here though,I can relate to the password one!!!

I Met a fairy today who granted me one wish.

"I want to live forever" I said.


"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that, try something else.

"Fine" I said, "I don't want to die until Julia Gillard is re-elected as Prime Minister".



"You're a shifty little b*astard, arent you?" said the fairy.

IS THIS YOURS?
Paddy says to Mick "I found this pen, is it yours?"

Mick replies "Don't know, give it here." He then tries it and says, "Yes it is"

Paddy asks "How do you know?"

Mick replies, "That's my handwriting"

the razor sharp intellect of 16 year old school teenagers.

These are actual answers off school examination papers (from 16-year-olds)...

Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the Moon, because there is no water on the Moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the Sun joins the fight.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house, they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope.)

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g., the abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U. (Up all night smoking weed.)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does "varicose" mean?
A. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work.)

Q. Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean section."
A. The Caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit.)

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable.)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

Q. Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word "benign" mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (Brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.

Mmm think that's a bit far mate, lol. Might be best to keep those ones to the phone.

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Letter to a men's helpline..


Hi Bob,
I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on
me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs
up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out
for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat.
When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse,
then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was
at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline
crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

 urgh, happened to a bloke on site got his nad cut open on a starter bar 

"Mummy, why is England called a Kingdom?"

"Because it was ruled by a King."

"Oh... so that's why Australia is called a Country!"