Words with two meanings .... !!!

Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female...... The greatest __expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

 All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, ' How many of you have forgiven your enemies? '

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; ' Are you not willing to forgive your enemies? '

I don't have any. 'She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you? '

'Ninety-eight, 'she replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world? '

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, ' I outlived the bitches.

A 79-year-old man was  requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as  part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave  the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a  semen sample tomorrow.' 
The  next day the 79-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and  gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.  
The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's  like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing. 
'Then I asked my wife for help. She  tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. 
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing. 
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door 
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried  squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing ...'
The doctor was shocked!  
'You asked your  neighbour?'   
The old  man replied,    
'Yep, none of us could get  the jar  open

She's a keeper, she knows how to get and keep her man.