LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Interesting facts from 1981:

1. Prince Charles got married.

2. Liverpool was crowned soccer champions of Europe.

3. Australia lost the ashes.

4. The Pope died.

Interesting facts from 2005:

1. Prince Charles got married.

2. Liverpool was crowned soccer champions of Europe.

3. Australia lost the ashes.

4. The Pope died.

Lesson to be learned:

The next time Prince Charles gets married, somebody should warn the Pope!!

The ski is launched

This aired on Sydney radio last month apparently......really quite
> funny. This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see
> why!
>
> Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.
> Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney .
> The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.
>
> The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if
> they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant
> answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal
> questions.
>
> The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with
> (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same =
> three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
>
> The Harbor City dropped to its knees with laughter and is possibly the
> funniest thing you've heard yet.
>
> Anyway, here's how it all went down:
>
> DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'
>
> Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'
>
> DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if
> you win. What is your name? First only please.'
>
> Contestant: 'Brian.'
>
> DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'
>
> Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'
>
> DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'
>
> Brian: 'Sara.'
>
> DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'
>
> Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'
>
> DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'
>
> Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'
>
> DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'
>
> Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'
>
> DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
>
> Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well....'
>
> DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'
>
> Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'
>
> DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said
> that if a trip wasn't at stake.'
>
> Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'
>
> DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
> morning?
>
> Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'
>
> DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'
>
> Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us
> for couple of weeks...'
>
> DJ: 'Uh huh...'
>
> Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'
>
> DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
>
> Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'
>
> DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
> times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's
> work number and call her up. You listen to this.'
>
> [3 minutes of commercials follow.]
>
> DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch
> tones.....ringing....)
>
> Clerk: 'Kinko's.'
>
> DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'
>
> Clerk: 'This is she.'
>
> DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and
> I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'
>
> Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'
>
> DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
> give any\answers away or you'll lose.
> Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'
>
> Sarah: 'No.'
>
> DJ: 'Good!'
>
> Brian: (laughing)
>
> Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'
>
> Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
> completely honest.'
>
> DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure.. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If
> your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to
> the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
>
>
>
> Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
>
> DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'
>
> Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'
>
> DJ: 'What time?'
>
> Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'
>
> DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'
>
> Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'
>
> DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect h is
> manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away
> from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'
>
> Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
>
> DJ: 'Where did you have it?'
>
> Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'
>
> Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'
>
> DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'
>
> Sarah: 'Well...'
>
> DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
>
> Sarah: 'Up the arse......'
>
> They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have
> a heart attack, he could not stop laughing. Apparently there was an
> unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this
> conversation, for minor traffic collisions.

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 am. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Two blokes are having a drink at the bar and the topic of wives comes up.

"My wifes an angel"

"Lucky bastard. Mine's still alive."

__________________

John awoke with a massive headache, head pounding from a big night on the town. He rolled over and noticed a hideous ugly beast of a woman, more vile than he'd ever seen before. That's when John knew he'd arrived home safe last night.

God, I wonder how the launcher felt after that one. Uber PHAIL!

Question:
How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

Answer:
First - Lets pose the following question:
You're on duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot, however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.

What do you do?

BRITISH POLICE OFFICER:
Firstly the officer must assess the man's Human Rights -
            1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
            2) Is he newly arrived in this country, and does not yet understand the law?
            3) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
            4) Am I dressed provocatively?
            5) Could I run away?
            6) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
            7) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?
            8) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
            9) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this convey to society?
            10) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
            11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
            12) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head, and kills himself? .
            13) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?

AUSTRALIAN  POLICE OFFICER:
BANG!

            
AMERICAN POLICE OFFICER:
BANG! BANG! BANG!            BANG! BANG! BANG!            BANG! BANG! BANG!            BANG! BANG! BANG!              'click'....
            (Sergeant arrives at scene later and remarks: 'Nice grouping!)