To All Staff

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy in the country since last Christmas, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED or SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouses).or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.

Persons staying on will receive as much SH1T (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SH1T it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SH1T, please bring it to the attention of the supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SH1T you can handle.

Have a good day

Managing Director

And another for good measure

hells not so bad - -or may be ?  


One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, 'Why so glum?'

The guy responded, 'Why do you think? I'm in hell!'

'Hell's not so bad,' the demon said. 'We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'

'Sure,' the man said, 'I love to drink.'

'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!'

The guy is astounded. 'Damn, that sounds great.'

'You a smoker?' the demon asked.

'You better believe it!'

'You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer, no biggie You're already dead, remember?'

'Wow, the guy said, 'that's awesome!'

The demon continued. 'I bet you like to gamble.'

'Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.'

'Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?'

The guy said, 'Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean ... . .'

'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!'

'Wow,' the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, 'I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'

The demon said, 'You gay?'

'No.'

'Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!'

Keith