now that is a good way to start the morning

jeff

haha thanks for that!

this young bloke started a new job as a salesman in a big depertment store, the manager tells him that his quota for the day and it has to be met or he would loose his job. the day starts off really good, he makes his first sale in the sporting section, his next sale was in the white goods section and so the day goes well . his second day was almost as good and so was his third but on his forth day it fell apart. the manager came up to him at the end of the day and told him altho he had a bad day he wasnt going to loose his job as he had done so well on the last 3 day but he had to prove himself on the next day. So friday morning comes and being a bit anxious he heads off to work early hoping to get a head start. he met his first customer as he walked in the door. a genyteman walked up to him and asked for assistance . he was busy with that customer for most of the day. at the end of the day the manager approaches him with a huge smile on his face. with one big question to ask. how did you manage to make a sale of $104,500.54c. the salesman said it was easy, the customer came in after a pack of tampons for his wife. i took this gentleman to the sporting section and sold him a nice rod and reel outfit and all the tackle he needed, then the bloke said to the salesman that he didnt know where to go fishing so he told him a few good places , so they ended up at the boat section and sold him a decent boat and motor so he could go fishing in comfort , then the bloke said he didnt have a car big enough to tow the boat with so i took him to the car section and sold him a new 4x4. so the bloke left a very happy man. the manager then asked him how the hell did a pack of tampons cause the bloke to end up with all this other stuff. the salesman said it was easy, i just told him that his weekend was going to be stuffed now so you may as well make the most of it

he he....good one......may as well mow the lawn while he is at it!!

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking..

Maude:  
What in the heck  is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

A drover named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in NSW when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a senator in Kevin Rudd's Labour Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the drover. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...

Now give me back my dog.