Date Joined: 07/09/11
that is a CLASSIC!!! i nearly wet me pants :-)
Date Joined: 10/02/12
A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,
She asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow ?"
Doctor from Israel says:
"In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put
them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work." The German doctor comments:
"That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we
put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work." A Russian doctor says:
"That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person;
we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work." The Australian doctor answers immediately:
"That's nothing fellas, you’re way behind us....in OZ, ...We grabbed a female
spinster atheist, size 34-40-54, with balls, a wooden heart, speaks like a mortician,
bobs her head like a chook, waves her hands like a ventriloquist, spends money
like its going out of fashion.....and....
we made her Prime Minster of Australia
and very soon .....the whole bloody country will be looking for work!!!!!!"
A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.THE TICKET AGENT ASKED,"SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?" THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK, WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES." "I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS.THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWSNAMED MILDRED AND MARGE. THE MOVIE STARTEDAND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. . ..THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SOCHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE."MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED."WHAT?" SAID MARGE."I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT.""WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED."WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.."AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL""I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,"BUT THIS ONE'SEATIN' MY POPCORN...!"
Date Joined: 04/04/08
An aging rock star, now dirt poor is asked what he did with all his millions of dollars:
"Well, it mostly went on booze, hookers, gambling and drugs.... and the rest I wasted"
Date Joined: 01/02/10
George Best was a soccor player.
Does anyone know where the love of god goes, when the waves turn the minutes to hours?
Date Joined: 30/06/09
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth.
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
Date Joined: 28/05/10
It could be the amount of beer i've drunk? Who knows? But i found that quite amusing! Very good!
Date Joined: 30/11/09
Hi FrankI really need your advice on a serious problem:I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot.I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat.When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
Love the West!
Date Joined: 04/01/12
Date Joined: 08/08/11
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it. Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over. New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger. This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.
If you catch a fish everytime you go out, it wouldn't be called 'fishing', it would be called 'catching'...
Date Joined: 30/09/11
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
Whitlam said "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
Today, Gillard has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, put Camels in plain packaging, and mortgaged the Promised Land!
If you ain't Fishin you ain't Livin
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, & retirement funds, so I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English, & I was connected to a call Centre in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck....