Friday Funnys


Dale's picture

Posts: 5872

Date Joined: 13/09/05

Fri, 2017-08-11 13:09

 That last one's being doing the rounds.

____________________________________________________________________________

"Just because you are a Character, Doesn't mean you have Character."

Mr Wolf

 

 

Posts: 243

Date Joined: 21/07/14

 QUOTES FROM BRITISH MILITARY

Fri, 2017-08-11 16:22

 QUOTES FROM BRITISH MILITARY ANNUAL STAFF APPRAISALS

1. His men would follow him anywhere but only out of curiosity.
2. I would not breed from this Officer.
3. This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.
4. This Officer can be likened to a small puppy - he runs around excitedly, leaving little messes for other people to clean up.
5. This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, more of a definitely won't-be.
6. When he opens his mouth it seems only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
7. Couldn't organise 50% leave in a 2-man submarine.
8. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
9. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
10. Technically sound but socially impossible.
11. The occasional flashes of adequacy are marred by an attitude of apathy and indifference.
12 When he joined my ship this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
13. This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
14. This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning around at a frantic pace but not really going anywhere.
15. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
16. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
17. He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.
18. This Officer should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.
19. In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
20. The only ship I would recommend for this man is citizenship.
21. Couldn't organise a woodpecker's picnic in Sherwood Forest.
22. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
23. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
24. Gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train isn't coming.
25. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
26. If he were any more stupid he'd have to be watered twice a week.
27. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
28. If you stand close enough to him you can hear the ocean.
29. It's hard to believe that he beat 1 000 000 other sperm.
30. A room temperature IQ.
31. Got a full 6-pack but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
32. A gross ignoramus,143 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
33. He has a photographic memory but has the lens cover glued on.
34. He has been working with glue too long.
35. When his IQ reaches 50 he should sell.
36. This man hasn't got enough grey matter to sole the flip-flop of a one legged budgie.
37. If two people are talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
38. One-celled organisms would out score him in an IQ test.
39. He donated his body to science before he was done using it.
40. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
41. He's so dense light bends around him.
42. If brains were taxed he'd get a rebate.
43. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
44. Takes him 1½ hours to watch 60 minutes.
45. Wheel is turning but the hamster is long dead.
 

Posts: 714

Date Joined: 05/05/06

No 28 is saying of the week i

Fri, 2017-08-11 19:05

No 28 is saying of the week i reckon!

Dale's picture

Posts: 5872

Date Joined: 13/09/05

Fri, 2017-08-11 20:24

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.
Little Mary was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.” "Very good, Mary" said the teacher
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ... Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"
Then I would say, “It is dog shit. Wanna' buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the Turnbull approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth"

____________________________________________________________________________

"Just because you are a Character, Doesn't mean you have Character."

Mr Wolf

 

 

timboon's picture

Posts: 947

Date Joined: 14/11/10

 Bloke recieves a call from

Sun, 2017-08-13 03:36

 Bloke recieves a call from his Dr asking him to pop into his practice....

Fella nervously sits down awaiting his news, when the Dr says "hey, what star sign are you?"

Fella replies "i'm a cancer"

The Dr says "fuck, thats ironic" 

Posts: 4386

Date Joined: 17/06/10

Yeah that's a good one

Sun, 2017-08-13 17:10

I'll pay that 10 points.