I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

 

The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

 

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

 

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.

 

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

 

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

 

Q: What's the difference between a blond and a brick? 
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

 

Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend - Beautiful, 
Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in other words............. 
B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

 

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.."

 

Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

 

On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?" 
Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakis, Somalians, single mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads and non English speaking people" isn't the right answer. They've sent my form back!

 

Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.

 

I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. 
Turns out I got it all wrong and the program's called Fact Hunt.

 

The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!

 

Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.