love the tiger woods photo lmao

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some shoes (he is 84). We decided to grab a bite to eat at the food hall. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him who had spiked hair in all different colours : green ,red , orange ,and blue .My dad
kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time . When the teenager had had enough ,he sarcastically asked. "Whats the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life."
Knowing my dad I quickly swallowed my food so that I would
not choke on his response, And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response."GOT STONED ONCE AND FU#%^* A PEACOCK. I WAS WONDERING IF YOU WERE MY SON YA LITTLE C%^*¥ ?"

 If you had to choose between your wife and winning the lottery...

What kind of car would you buy 1st?

 Man goes fishing every sunday . Says to his wife i'm off. gets his tackle opens the door and its pissin down, thinks fuck it and gets back into bed, and slips his wife one from behind. she moans and wakes up. 

He says "its pissin down out there". She replies. "And that stupid bastard's gone fishing!"

hahahaha there are some good ones

WINNER OF THE HOMER SIMPSON LOOK ALIKE CONTEST

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and
toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"



My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks,"and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at his Gold Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his everyword.

His mates at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'

Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'

They are knocked over, but continue to ask.'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age', Bob replies.

'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he is drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. He then jumps onto the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender sceams at the man "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table". "Sorry replied the man, "He eats everything in sight, the little bugger, I'll pay for everything". He finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later, he is back with his pet monkey, again orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted "Did you see what your monkey did now".

"Yeah" replies the man "He still eats everything in sight, but now ever since he swallowed the cue ball, he measures everything first".

I've just bought my Wife one of those pugs as a surprise present. Despite the squashed nose, wonky eyes and trouble breathing due to the weight gain over the years, the dog seems to like her.

So I went into Maccas the other day and the girl who was serving me was wearing a burqa. I noticed it was quite dirty, tattered and smelly.

It actually put me off so I walked out and went across the road to Hungry Jacks. Here was another girl wearing a burqa.

I was happy to see that it was quite clean and it was actually decorated with beads and sequins.

That’s when I realised – the Burqas are better at Hungry Jacks….

My wife suggested I got myself a penis enlarger, so I did.
She's 25 and her name is Kathy!

 Love your work ,keep  it going

          jeff