Best bridal party ever

Imagine hangin out at that wedding, getn blotto on free piss then come home to ya misses in blue shorts layin like that....

 rex hunt!!!

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast.

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'. 'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.' The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!

For those that have heard of it!

....Even though he only had one tattoo I yearned for him to fill the lonely hours between Jerry Springer and Days of our Lives.

As he approached me with his pasty white arms hanging out of his Nike vest, his smile told me that it was dole day and I knew that my velour track suit ...would be hanging off the lampshade tonight.

As I stood in line at the job centre, thinking of reasons why I couldn't work, a sweet smell drifted past my pig like nostrils. It was a mixture of weed sweat and Lynx Africa! I turned and there he was, DWAYNE, with his pants half way down his arse, our eyes met and he was soon lifting me onto the wheelie bins behind Safeway.

He had already tied his Staffy to a post in the alley way so we would not be disturbed, there was a tramp watching but it did not bother us, just added to the mystery. I knew then that this was love and my life would never be the same again.

I made a promise to him there and then that I would buy him a plasma with the baby bonus.

All named Chris. How do you tell them apart I ask?

By their surname was the answer, and I wish I was joking!!!!!!

Paddy was down on his knees in church praying to God, he asked "God, can you please help me win lotto"

 A month passes and Paddy is back in church on his knees again "God, its been a month since I asked you to help me win lotto"

A big booming voice calls out " Paddy, if you want me to help you win lotto you have to meet me half way." " First thing is you have to buy a ticket!"

The Queen and Julia Gillard are on the same stage at C.H.O.G.M. in front of a huge crowd. The Queen leaned towards Ms. Gillard and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?
This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Gillard arrogantly replied, "I seriously doubt that, with one little wave of your hand you could do all that?
Show me!"

So the Queen backhanded her

Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front yard, my neighbours stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog.

During our friendly conversation, I asked their 12 year old daughter what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister one day.

Both of her parents - Socialist Labor- were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed with pride!

"Wow! What a worthy goal!" I said. "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that!" I told her.

"What do you mean?" she replied

So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Liberal Party."

Her parents aren't speaking to me.

I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few....

I noticed two large women at the bar.

They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland ?"

One of them chirped, "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?"

Then the lights went out....

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 an hour for doing what I do for you for free."

A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he is going, he replies,

"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on £800 a year."

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.