Great work as usual - gives me a smile everyFriday! The first pic is gonna put the old Queen song "Fat Bottom Girls" in my head for the whole day - that isn't a bad thing!

 what did zero say to eight? nice belt

you think the irish are strange - scotch finger biscuits

One evening after the honeymoon, the new bride said to her
husband, "Honey, I've been thinking. Now that we're married,
I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting and fishing.
Maybe you should sell your guns, tackle and boat."

The husband got a horrified look on his face.

She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"For a minute there you sounded exactly like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!! I didn't know you were married before!!"

"I wasn't."

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking baffled. A blonde walked by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.’

The blonde promptly took an adjustable spanner from her bag, undid a few bolts and laid the flagpole down on the ground. She produced a tape measure, ran it from one end of the flagpole to the other, announced that the length of the pole was 6.5 metres, and then calmly walked off.

Mick shook his head in disbelief. 'Isn't that just like a blonde?' he complained to Paddy. 'We need the height, and she gives us the bloody length!'

Full Body Scans at the Airport
The A.S.I.O. disclosed the official Airport Screening Results:
October 2012 Statistics On Airport Screening From The Department Of Homeland Security:
Terrorists Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 18,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 133,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 999,350
Natural Blondes 3
It was also discovered that 61 members of the Labor Party Federal Parliament had no balls, but one red head did. Thought you'd like to know.

Some years ago, in a small coastal Irish community, Paddy married a woman, Maggie, half his age, All was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a 'woman's magazine and began to read things about sex. It soon became clear that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her Grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while..

To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian since there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon not to gossip.

However, the Vet didn't have a clue about people. But he did recall during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax. So he recommended they hire a strong, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and possibly achieve the sought after climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet who suggested she change partners and let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice shouted, "And dat, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin' towel"

Two deaf people get married.

During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs,
"Why don't we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.
If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife,

"Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.

If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......a Hundred times"

Microsoft Windows vs. Ford

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on........

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that ........
"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics ..... (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash ......... twice a day.

2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and then reopen the windows before you could continue. And for some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The air-bag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

11. When all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-YCdcnf_P8 (Gay men will marry your girlfriends)

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSX0vGnjkws (Straight men response)

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0Be8LnuG3U (Gay women will marry your boyfriends)

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

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