1. After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
   
   Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart
   
   Dear Mrs. Woolf,
   
   Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":
   
   1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
   
   2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
   minute intervals.
   
   3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
   women's restroom.
   
   4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
   voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
   employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
   
   5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
   chips.
   
   6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
   
   7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
   children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
   blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
   obliged.
   
   8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
   crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
   Emergency Medics were called.
   
   9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
   
   10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
   asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
   
   11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
   humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
   
   12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
   
   13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
   through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
   
   14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
   
   15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
   
   And last, but not least:
   
   16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
   awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
   here.' One of the Staff passed out.
2. 

Some classic sledges ( 18+ )

http://top20cricketsledges.blogspot.com.au/

very good marc

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale...

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100..

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE ..
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"