Instructions for Christmas


1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit.
In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately.  Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can.  And quickly.  Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare.  In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now.  So drink up!  Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip?  It's not  as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something.  It's a treat.  Enjoy it.  Have one for me. Have two.  It's later than you think.  It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it.  That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on.  Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes.  Fill it with gravy.  Eat the volcano.  Repeat.


4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk.  If it's skim, pass.  
Why bother?  It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.


5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it.  Hello?


6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.  This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound  plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge.  Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.  They're like a beautiful pair of shoes.  If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies.  Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat.  Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.  Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?  Labor Day?


9. Did
someone mention fruitcake?  Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories,
but avoid it at all cost.  I mean, have some standards.


10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.  Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the  grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, coffee in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO what a ride!'


 
Most Important Tip of all:
Have a Merry Christmas and a great great holiday season!

____________________________________________________________________________

 TWiZTED


ody's picture

Posts: 581

Date Joined: 30/12/06

Hi Ya, Great set of tips

Tue, 2007-12-18 12:47


Hi Ya,

Great set of tips (notice that was tiPs, not that other great female attribute!! LOL) but one more I can add.

When at a party, never, never use a plate.  A plate piled high only makes you look like a pig.  Just continually walk around the table grazing.  It is amazing how much more food you can consume and not look like you are eating much when you only have one small thing in your hand at a time (like one pie or sandwich etc).  Nobody notices like they do if you have a plate piled high so you don't look like you are eating more than your share.

Cheers.

Merry Christmas (or whatever else you choose to celebrate).



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