to lighten up monday

Went out last night and got really pissed and wasted.

I woke up next to a fat chick who was snoring and farting.

At least I got home O K !!



The wife's back on the warpath again,

she was up for making a home movie last night and

all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.



I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.



My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them.

It was my own fault.

I should have taken them off.



I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.

Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.



After both suffering from depression for a while,

me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.

But strangely enough….once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.

So I thought, "Fuck it"….soldier on.



I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong.

I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing !

Toast burning, saucepan boiling over.

I panicked. I didn’t know what to do.

Then I remembered, McDonalds serve breakfast until 11.30 a.m.    

 

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.

I told her "Only you. All the others kept me awake shaggin' all night ! "

 
My missus packed my bags and as I walked out of the front door she screamed...

"I wish you a slow and painful death you b***ard !"
"Oh" I replied, "so you want me to f*****g stay now !"


 
A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100m final.

I laughed "Over in 9.5 seconds ?"

"No ! " she said "Eight black men and a gun".



Catholic boy in confession says bless me Father I have sinned, I had a wank while thinking about my sister.

That's a disgrace said the priest, especially when you have two gorgeous brothers



I'm about to take part in the Great Bradford Run.! ?

It's not an official race, I just stand in the City Centre & shout "Allah is a F*****g Tosser" &
then off we all go....



A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.



I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom, It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.


tim-o's picture

Posts: 4657

Date Joined: 24/05/11

lol@confessional

Mon, 2013-03-11 16:43

lol@confessional
But defrosting the fridge? My mum used various cutlery to break the ice in the freezer in a violent way when we were kids :/

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I am, as I've said, merely competent. But in an age of incompetence, that makes me extraordinary.