some friday funnies

had to start a new thread for this as once someone has started a thread i dont know how to addpics. seems like you can only add comments???Anyhoo hope everyone has a good weekend and there are some good reports come mondayLaughing.

 

 

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.  He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. 

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: 

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit.  The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.  The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.  A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.  We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

 

 


Posts: 361

Date Joined: 09/08/09

Well, it's shit ... that's

Fri, 2010-11-26 09:40

Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!

Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit,
forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the
difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is
bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,
or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
 When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so
if you don't give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know
that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit.
But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head.........

                  Well, Shit Happens!!!!

scottland's picture

Posts: 3031

Date Joined: 10/05/10

haha

Fri, 2010-11-26 10:05

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

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i support two teams eagles and whoever is playing the dockers

Alan James's picture

Posts: 2204

Date Joined: 30/06/09

Quote of the Day

Fri, 2010-11-26 10:17

The Choice between Parkinson's and Alzheimer's??

I choose Parkinson's, cause I'd rather spill half my wine
than forget where the f*ck I put it!

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Posts: 13

Date Joined: 25/11/10

A Kiwi Joke?

Fri, 2010-11-26 11:14

A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck, only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Julia Gillard.

That evening, the man brought Julia to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Julia and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Julia batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk!'

hlokk's picture

Posts: 4290

Date Joined: 04/04/08

Did you hear, NZ scientists

Fri, 2010-11-26 12:20

Did you hear, NZ scientists just came up for a new use for sheep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

....Meat & Wool

Faulkner Family's picture

Posts: 17835

Date Joined: 11/03/08

Well done Likc. thats a

Fri, 2010-11-26 12:38

Well done Likc. thats a classic . makes you wonder how that kid got his head stuck in the seat, he's not a member of parliament is he.Laughing

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RUSS and SANDY. A family that fishes together stays together

deepwater's picture

Posts: 1921

Date Joined: 09/05/07

are thats bettter jeff

Fri, 2010-11-26 14:03

are thats bettter

jeff

tommyqueenfish's picture

Posts: 373

Date Joined: 27/10/10

lol good ones guys

Fri, 2010-11-26 15:51

lol good ones guys

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SALT WATER FLY ADDICT!!

Australian Representative for Roatan Lures, If you have any questions please pm me!