Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'

'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.   Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......He's naked, too!!!

Fuming, he turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'

'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few
minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....'

Just got back from a holiday in Thailand,

and came that close to shagging a ladyboy.

Looked like a woman, spoke like a woman,

walked like a woman and kissed like a woman.

It was only when she was driving me back to her place

and reverse parked into a narrow parking space with no problem, I thought . . . 

Just a f *^&)*g  minute . . 

A girl ran over an innerspring mattress on the highway and decided not worry... and kept on driving.

It caught on the under-carriage etc. of her Holden.

The ensuing jumble finally whipped around enough to tear a hole in the fuel tank.

The subsequent lack of fuel is what finally brought her vehicle to its knees.

She had managed to drive 50 kms, with a 25 kg tangle of "stuff" wrapped around her drive shaft.

She had it towed to her Holden dealership and complained that the vehicle had a "sort of a noise" when she was driving at high speeds.

Below, are the photographs of what they found at her Holden dealership...

 Beware very graphic. I pissed myself laughing, others may not

http://www.youtube.com/embed/2h-WhhqFjv4?feature=player

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary help and assurance to their partners at this stage of their pregnancy.

She said "ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial as it strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery of your baby that much easier. Just pace yourself, take plenty of breaks and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path".

She looked at the men in the room and said "gentlemen, remember, you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for both of you".

The room suddenly went quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments, a guy at the back of the room slowly raised his hand and asked "I was just wondering if it would be alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?".

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it...this kind of sensitivity just can't be taught!

 My dad told me that if he caught me jacking off at the computer one more time, he would slam my head into the keyboavfergn.36.?ffffsckjte